So, in case you haven’t noticed... girls? We’re kind of hilarious. (And that’s no joke.) From the ladies of late night who we just can’t stop talking about, to the have-to-read-it-to-believe-it female authored books guaranteed to make you laugh out loud, women in comedy are everywhere, and they’re definitely here to stay.
Lately, books by female comedians have been selling big. From Amy Schumer’s recent post-Emmy book deal (YAY) to straight-shooting comediennes like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Chelsea Handler, whose bestselling books have been gracing shelves for a while, readers are absolutely loving memoirs by funny girls. And why not? I mean, come on — My Horizontal Life? We’ve all been there. How to Be a Woman? Basically the best feminist reality check written, with all the side-hugging laughter you’d expect from a no-nonsense Brit like Caitlin Moran. Even some of nonfiction’s leading ladies have some of their own LOLZ-inducing one-liners. (You never knew Joan Didion could be so funny.) And let’s not forget pretty much everything Nora Ephron ever wrote. Am I right?
Now, without further adieu, get ready to have your mood totally brightened, because here are 10 hilarious quotes from books by women that are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.
"I’d just run into my gynecologist at Starbucks and she totally looked right past me like she didn’t even know me. And so I stood there wondering whether that’s something she does on purpose to make her clients feel less uncomfortable, or whether she just genuinely didn’t recognize me without my vagina. Either way, it’s very disconcerting when people who’ve been inside your vagina don’t acknowledge your existence. Also, I just want to clarify that I don’t mean “without my vagina” like I didn’t have it with me at the time.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader
“Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.”
― Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
“When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.”
― Erma Bombeck, When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time to Go Home
“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants
“So light a fire!” Harry choked.“Yes… of course… but there’s no wood!” Hermione cried, wringing her hands.“HAVE YOU GONE MAD!” Ron bellowed. “ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
“It was once suggested to me that, as an antidote to crying, I put my head in a paper bag. As it happens, there is a sound physiological reason, something to do with oxygen, for doing exactly that, but the psychological effect alone is incalculable: it is difficult in the extreme to continue fancying oneself Cathy in Wuthering Heights with one's head in a Food Fair bag.”
― Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem
“We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist — and only 42% of British women — I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?”
― Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
“If I’m at a party where I’m not enjoying myself, I will put some cookies in my jacket pocket and leave without saying good-bye.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?