Miley Cyrus' Video For "Adore You": We Contemplate The Whys and Hows Of It All

The Internet has been all abuzz since Miley Cyrus put out her video "Adore You," one that features a generous helping of '90s camcorder action, sheet licking, and classic Miley writhing. Although the video is somewhat scandalous in nature, what with the simulated masturbation and all, I found it perfectly in keeping with the theme of the song. It would, after all, be hard to make a music video that wasn't somewhat masturbatory when the song itself is clearly about a vibrator.

If you doubt me, listen to the lyrics again. What does a single girl insist on going to bed with, and profess to love even more than it "loves" her? One need only remember that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte gets addicted to her Rabbit to know, when it comes to single sex-starved girls and their vibrators, anything could happen, developing feelings being one of them.

Which forces us to wonder several things. Firstly, is Miley starting the conversation on being able to marry inanimate objects? After all, if you were going to marry anything at all, a vibrator is pretty much the perfect man in discreet, plastic form. I don't know of any vibrators that speak, but hey, I would never ever put it beyond Miley Cyrus to have a much nicer vibrator than me, one that will tell her it loves her if she programs it to do so. Then secondly, is that why she looks so sad in the bath scene? After all, you can't really take your vibrator in the bath with you, so maybe she's forlorn because she's just deeply lonely without her one true love.

Then we're left to wonder about the making of the video itself. What does a day look like when the aim is to shoot Miley Cyrus sticking her hands either down her pants or into her mouth? Terry Richardson would've had a ball with this one, but one certainly wonders about the allotment of time for certain shots, and we imagine it would've gone down like this:

6 a.m. to 6:15 a.m: Hair and Makeup

Which is to say, someone threw Miley in a shower, gave her some mascara and a Limited Too starter bra and shoved her on set.

6:15 a.m. to 7:15 a.m: Waxing Every Inch Of Miley's Body

Who ever sorts out Miley's body hair is genuinely a genius because she's always naked and smooth all over. But that kind of hairlessness doesn't come cheap, nor does it come easy.

7:15 a.m. to 10:30 a.m: Rolling In The Sheets Shots

"OK Miley, roll left. Now roll right. Yes, yes, that's the stuff, now arch your back, no, roll left again. REPEAT."

10:30 a.m. to 12 p.m: Pouting While Trying To Make It Look Casual Shots

The sexy pouting thing is really only done by celebrities in music videos, but it sure as hell isn't a natural facial expression. Here's to betting Miley strained her lower lip muscles trying to look sexy without trying.

12 p.m. to 4:30 p.m: Playing With Mouth Shots

I'm going to come out and say it, I do not know anyone who bites their lip, fingers, or arms anywhere near as often as Miley does when masturbating/being alive in general. Either she was super hungry while this was being made orrrrr someone should just get her a ball gag and be done with it. She looks like Freud's wet dream in this video, with all the oral fixations present in only four and a half minutes.

4:30 p.m. to 7 p.m: Bath Time Fun Shots

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming, what does she do she swims! In eyeliner and lace, obviously. Don't you wear couture into the bath?

7 p.m. to 7:45 p.m: Sticking Sheets in your Mouth Shots

She bites the sheet, she eats the sheet, she licks the sheet. She even scratches the sheet. Which is to say, that sheet is getting the treatment millions of men would die for.