When you were a young and naive teenager, you probably dreamed about what your house would look like when you grew up. You’d have your own place, full of light, decorated with chic throw pillows and quirky things made out of mason jars. It would stay clean by magic and you’d be able to have anyone over, anytime you wanted. Oh, and you’d be dressed in only the latest fashions every time a suitor arrived, with flawless makeup. Basically, you thought you’d be Carrie Bradshaw— but the harsh reality isn’t even as good as Friends. (I’m still bitter about how goddamn big those “West Village apartments” were.) A grownup in her twenties or thirties in 2015 has to deal with stuff like dishes left for three days in the sink, a roommate’s dog that eats out the crotch of her underwear, and the regular sounds of someone else getting it on. Yup, that’s right: roommates having sex.
But I’m not talking about “sex with your hot roommate”. I’m talking about the roommate who likes to bang it out on the regular — and loudly. On the sex-positive feminist side of things you’re like, “Hell yeah! You get it girl!” but on the I-just-want-to-sleep side of things you’re like, “THIS APARTMENT IS NOT A PORN STUDIO SHUT THE EFF UP!” The roommate sex struggle is real, my friend, but I’m here to help you navigate it gracefully. Or, at least, semi-gracefully. Or maybe not gracefully at all but at least you’ll be sleeping more? Anyway, here are seven things you can do when you’re living with a screamer.
1. Earplugs Are Your Friend
I mean, this one is kind of obvious. Buy some damn earplugs. Use them.
2. Turn Up The Music
Put on your favorite track and drown out the moans and groans. Or, if that’s not distracting enough, pull up the latest episode of whatever Shonda Rhimes is making (because she’s brilliant) and watch that. Unless your roommate is like, an Olympic gold winner in sex, she’ll be done before the episode finishes.
3. Join Them!
Probably don’t go and try to climb into bed with them but there’s nothing wrong with rubbing one out to sex noises. You might feel a little bit squicky but if they’re doing it loud enough for you to hear and your body responds, you can hardly be faulted for taking care of business.
4. Set Some Boundaries
If your roommate’s sexual activities are seriously impeding on your life, have a chat about boundaries. Maybe you can work it out so she gives you a heads up before she’s going to have someone over or you can work out some kind of schedule. Obviously it’s different for every roommate pair, but it’s worth bringing it up. At the very least maybe she’ll tone it down a little now that she knows it’s bothering you.
5. Shrug It Off
I’ve had roommates that totally had no problem with sex noises. They were like, “Meh. Part of life.” Try taking on that attitude next time you get irritated by the symphony that is your roommate knocking boots — again.
6. Go For A Walk
Go take a couple walks around the block. It’s good for your health anyway.
7. Give Your Friends A Play-By-Play
Sex noises are hilarious. Hit up one of your friends and give them a play-by-play as it happens. I guarantee you’ll go from glowering to giggling in no time.
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