The Hungover Girl's Guide to Starting Your New Year's Resolutions Today

"Too much of anything is bad," F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, "but too much of Champagne is just right." You may have been living it up Scott and Zelda-style last night (and I hope you were flitting among the stars like a sparkling moth), but this morning? Chances are you don't feel up to writing the next Gatsby, much less getting started on that long list of New Year's resolutions you wrote out so prettily last weekend.

Down approximately 10 champagne flutes of water and pick up that dreaded list, because starting a new year's resolution on January 2 is no way to live. Onward and upward and take an Advil, my little Scotts and Zeldas, because as you know, the journey of 10,000 miles begins with a small act of hungover endurance.

Image: James Vaughan/flickr

The resolution: eat better

The easy solution: Drink a cup of warm water with lemon as soon as you wake up.

Listen, I’m a realist here. You and I both know that you’re not about to get dressed, head to Target, buy a Magic Bullet, and slog all the way back home just to make yourself a green smoothie. No way no how no kale in the house, am I right? But there’s no need to abandon all hope when you can kickstart the whole health thing by heating up a mug of water and squeezing in half a lemon. The ritual will wake you up, boost your immune system, stimulate your liver, and help to flush out your kidneys.

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The resolution: exercise more

The easy solution: Keep the party going with Beyoncé.

Sorry, were you planning to hit the gym 365 days this year? Looks like you’ll have to sit this Wednesday out, Rocky, because the last thing you need right now is a treadmill room filled with gym rats. Just turn on the amazing collab between Queen Bey and Queen Obama: the “Move Your Body” workout video, which is four minutes of vigorous exercise and features plenty of whipped Beyoncé-hair. Repeat after me: Four minutes are better than zero minutes.

The resolution: be kinder

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The easy solution: Send a couple of text messages.

You don’t have to compose a handwritten letter. You don’t have to talk to any humans on the phone (shudder). But if one of your resolutions was to be a more all-around decent human being, think of the people in your life who you’d like to be kinder or closer to, and send them a text message to schedule a phone call/Skype date later in the week. You can also just ask how their NYE was. It takes two seconds and about half a brain cell, but it’ll bring you a lot closer to your goal — and to other people.

The resolution: Cleopatra-worthy skin

The easy solution: a New Year’s facial.

Did you resolve to get better skin in 2014, and ooh, can I come over? Facials are the perfect and unapologetically girly activity for your day “off.” I recommend a leisurely three-part facial: a relaxing facial steam, followed by a mask, followed by a soothing moisturizer applied via facial massage.

The resolution: write more

The easy solution: Morning pages.

Got major artistic aspirations along with that raging headache? The soothing ritual of morning pages is designed to help any artist, not just writers, and they’re like psychological Tylenol for your congested, worried little head. Open up a brand new notebook and write by hand until you’ve covered three pages. Let your stream-of-conscious side take over.

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The resolution: a better job

The easy solution: Polish your résumé.

Dredge up that old document entitled “resume_i_guess” from 2010 and give it a makeover from the comfort of your own bed. Bring your jobs and skills up to date, download a free “creative” résumé template, and read through a list of résumé tips to make sure you’re not missing anything huge. Oh, and while you’re at it, might as well make your name a size or two bigger…

Image: @ian_borneman/Instagram

The resolution: declutter

The easy solution: Start with your computer’s desktop.

So you wanna be a little more like Martha Stewart, a little less like Pig-Pen? Prop yourself up on some extra pillows, place an order at your favorite Chinese delivery place, and while you’re waiting for your lo mein noodles, straighten up your computer. Delete delete delete, consolidate old file folders, and keep only the basics on your desktop. A new background wouldn’t hurt, either.

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The resolution: make more money

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The easy solution: Download budget-related software or apps.

Look at you, Daddy Warbucks. Last year a shopping trip to Whole Foods was but a pipe dream, but this year, you’ve got your eye set on real estate mergers, daring stock investments, and financial things with acronyms like ROIs and ETFs and LOLs. Although you may find it difficult to become a millionaire today, here’s one thing you can manage: finding the perfect budgeting tool. Is it Mint.com? Is it Simple banking? Whatever it is, a waterproof budget gives you the secure footing you need to begin making the big bucks.

The resolution: unplug

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The easy solution: Unplug.

If your resolution sounds anything like the following, it’s time to shut down your computer:

- spend less time on social media

- waste less time online

- don’t engage in online flame wars

- be in the moment

- read more

- go outside more

In fact, if you greeted the new year with a full bottle of champagne in each hand, what your body needs right now is a long nap. And while lit electronic screens are actually keeping your brain awake (not to mention keeping your precious attention on meaningless Facebook status updates), there’s no time like the present to turn off all things that buzz, beep, and light up. Pick up a book, breathe in, and snuggle back down in bed.