New Year's Specials Were A Dull End To 2013 — Except Kathy Griffin & Anderson Cooper

Are we really going to pretend that if you're watching the New Year's specials there is any other way to go than to just devote all of your time to Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper? It was my job, this last day of 2013, to monitor the various New Year's Eve specials and make sure we didn't miss it if, say, Miley Cyrus went full monty or Ryan Seacrest decided to talk about something other than how cold he was. Neither happened.

Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper, however, are everyone's favorite bickering, oral sex-simulating, sexting married couple.

This year we were treated to Anderson Cooper desperately trying to get Kathy Griffin to stop talking about cunnilingus, and Griffin trying to help Cooper come to terms with the fact that he's a Vanderbilt. Someone in Indiana smashed a watermelon, and the correspondent in charge of Key West got to spend the night with drag queens and got a pretty rad sequined CNN jacket (crappy screenshot viewable below) that for some reason I now find myself needing.

I did do my job and vary my watching, however, and Ryan Seacrest did very deftly escape Miley Cyrus' tonguing, which is an accomplishment — but I was also very upset that when I was watching that I missed the moment when Griffin literally handcuffed herself to Cooper.

On the plus (?) side, Cyrus was wearing what I can only describe as something Protozoa would wear in Zenon: Girl Of the 21nd Century. Oh yes, I went there, I just made that reference. She also looked pretty much like a lady Macklemore? The point is it all just makes a lot of sense.

Roophuz on YouTube

For those who are interested, here are some other debatably notable happening from the specials of the last moments of 2013. Make of them what you will:

  • "I'm so excited about revealing who's number one that I just might go number two!" - Jenny McCarthy. Please don't.
  • "No swearing, no stripping, no touching, no simulations." - The sign Anderson Cooper held up and made Kathy Griffin sign as a promise. She signed it Miley Cyrus.
  • "By the way, Kathy Griffin during the breaks has been texting Ryan Seacrest that I'm saying terrible things about him, and Rachel Ray that I hate her cooking."
  • Miley Cyrus groped one of her (little person) dancers, so you'll probably be hearing about that in the morning.
  • She also wore fur (it might have been faux?). So. Prepare for that, too. The more shocking thing is probably that she wore clothes and didn't even attempt to remove them.
  • "And they said we couldn't fill two and a half hours" -Anderson Cooper as a group of middle-aged men squat and dance for then from New Orleans.
  • "I'm very street" -Anderson Cooper, son of Gloria Vanderbilt

This tweet happened, which I thought was totally normal until I looked at the handle of the tweeter, and now I am just in love with everything about it:

spiffymcawesome on YouTube

Images: CNN, Instagram