The only thing that could possibly save Wednesday from the tedious monstrosity it's designed to be is a batch of new emojis from the iOS 9.1 update. NEW EMOJIS! If I had to choose between having a bunch of sweet-ass new emojis or it magically being Friday afternoon right now, I'd take the emojis because guess what? It's going to be Friday in two days, and I'll still have the new emojis, and I'm a grown-ass woman who understands how to make responsible, practical choices.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, me, the grown-up, being exceedingly excited about the new emojis that were just released with the latest iPhone iOS update. So, look, I get that new emojis aren't going to solve any significant world issues, but most things within our immediate grasp aren't able to solve significant world issues, so don't shame my joy where I'm able to find it. Do you know what makes living in a world riddled with unsolvable problems? Being able to enjoy the simple pleasure of giving your roommate a visible middle finger via text when they tell you that they won't get up to bring your guacamole from the fridge to your bed, which you don't want to get out of. It's the little things, is what I'm saying.
So let's take stock of the brand new emojis—and the tiny victories they represent—that we can now enjoy in the midst of the swirling, unstoppable chaos of the modern world:
Just bring me the f*cking guac, Melissa. YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE KITCHEN.
Face With Rolling Eyes
You can't even, and now they know how much even you can't.
Wait, how did we not already have this? This is a fairly basic emotion. I feel sad about the fact that we didn't have a sad face emoji before now. Enter: SAD FACE GIRL EMOJI. (I do not, however, see a sad male-appearing face emoji. Men aren't allowed to be sad. Because they're men. Those gender roles cut both ways, son!)
Obviously we need this because nature and science.
WERE WE EVEN ALIVE BEFORE TODAY? Thank god we've pulled ourselves out of that darkness.
Wedge of Cheese
See: Statements about the burrito emoji. I'm so bummed for yesterday us.
OK, I don't really give half a cheese wedge about tacos (don't act like you've ever eaten one without stabbing the tender places in your mouth DO NOT PLAY, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE) but I know a lot of you get up in the morning for tacos, so here you go. Your world is made whole.
Mosque & Synagogue
Because that church was looking a little lonely (and exclusive).
For when you're telling someone where they need to bring themselves to.
For when they need to bring themselves to your bed immediately.
And of course, the most important new emoji of them all...
How in the holy name of Honey Boo Boo did we ever make it this far in our lives without the ability to text each other an oil drum? Phew. That was a close one, guys. We made it. We're finally going to be OK.
Images: Getty Images; Jessica Blankenship(12)