'The Bachelor' Recap: Let's Get To Know Juan Pablo Before The Tears Begin

Your calendar may not reflect it, but as of Sunday night, it is no longer January. It is now the month of Juanuary. Date your checks accordingly. The Bachelor season 18 (18. There have been 18 seasons of this series. I'm going to let that marinate) kicked things off with a Countdown to Juan Pablo special. Over the span of an hour we got to know Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis and we also remembered Gia Allemand. The remembering Allemand segment was very, very sad. I don't have much to say about it other than it was very, very sad. The rest of the special? It was... something. But not in a bad way. Would I say it was Juan-tastic? Sure, why not?

Admittedly, this was my first episode of The Bachelor. I don't know why or how it's taken me 18 seasons to finally get into it. I think I was worried I'd waited too long? I was intimidated? It seemed daunting? I don't know. No excuses, Rohwedder! I'm here now, and that's all that really matters.

That being said, my Juan Pablo knowledge is limited. I didn't see his season of The Bachelorette (you may have guessed that I've yet to dive into The Bachelor spinoffs. Your guess is correct). As far as I'm concerned, he's just a nice, good looking guy. He doesn't seem like someone who'd toy with the emotions of two dozen women, I thought. I can handle this show. My friend (and franchise super fan) set me straight via text message: "Juan Pablo is sexy garbage." Well, then! This is going to be a gnarly season, indeed.

When Chris Harrison asked, "Who is this Juan Pablo guy, anyway?" I was like, "UM, thank you. Do go on, Mr. Harrison."

Here's what I know about Juan Pablo (via Countdown to Juan Pablo and his Cast Bio):

  • He was on The Bachelorette. He did not win.
  • When he was a child, he wore glasses. REALLY ADORABLE.
  • He has a precious daughter named Camila. She was born on Valentine's Day in 2009.
  • He was a soccer player.
  • He works out.
  • His family seems fun. The food at that family get together looked incredible. Whoever wins this thing better realize how lucky she is. Because she'll get to eat his family's cooking.
  • His dad is proud of Juan Pablo because The Bachelor could be the key to Juan Pablo starting a big family.
  • When given the options "the party-starter," "the wingman," or "the laid-back one," he says he is: "The laid-back one, but with great music, the all-night dancer."
  • His ideal date: "Having a special lunch with the love of my life on a tepui (a mountainous plateau) in Canaima [National Park in Venezuela]. Flying on a helicopter around the jungle and stopping to eat on top of a tepui."

This season:

  • Lots of traveling. There is so much traveling on this show. I had no idea. Can I sign up? I'd like to go on a bunch of trips.
  • Lots of crying. Oh, never mind. I'm not interested in signing up anymore. Too many tears for me.

Choice quotes:

  • I'm not sure what the contestant said when she was jumping on a bed in her underwear because I was too busy laughing out loud.
  • At least one contestant said "I'm coming for you" in her audition tape. Is that a Bachelor thing? Because that's a really intense attitude.
  • This season, a contestant says, "Hard to see someone you're connecting with connect with other people." Did she sign up for the show without any idea as to what goes on? Because even I know the gist of it. Even I know the suitor always "connects" with everyone in the house.
  • This season, a contestant screams, "I HOPE HE DIES" while crying on a bathroom floor. Oh. Oh dear. This can't be good.

I'm all in. See you Monday.