Remember that ah-mazing Friends episode where Joey Tribbiani has to flash the cash (what I really mean is his penis. He had to show his penis), and he wraps it in bologna to make it look uncircumcised? Well, turns out actors really do have to give directors a cheeky peek, as Shia LaBeouf apparently had to send pictures of his penis to the Nymphomaniac production team to audition for a part. Although Lars Von Trier didn't eye up the goods himself, the fact remains that at one point in time, someone had to call Shia LaBeouf's agent and ask very nicely for the picture a million tabloids would die for. Which is weird, considering that Shia's penis had already debuted in the Sigur Ros video for "Fjögur píanó."
However, as Shia says in his sort of ramble-y but altogether interesting interview, Lars Von Trier refuses to watch anything when he is getting ready to make a movie, so he could not personally check out Shia's not-shy-a member in the music video. Even if Lars Von Trier didn't personally assess the penis though, someone had to, which really makes you wonder what producers are looking for in a show-biz-penis. Given that it's technically illegal to show an erect penis in movies, here's to assuming some poor production assistant was sent several pelfies (penis selfies? Does it work?) of Shia's floppy, non-erect penis. How....lucky he or she must have been.
It also makes you wonder if every other one of the actors in Nymphomaniac had to send close-ups of their junk to get their parts. Is there a magical phone somewhere filled with dick pics and crotch shots of Uma Thurman, Stellan Skarsgard, Jamie Bell, Christian Slater and Mia Goth? And if so... whoa, with great power comes great responsibility, whoever has ownership of it has a lot of self control.
But what it comes down to is that all I'm picturing is Shia dropping trou in front of a table of producers, only to have a piece of bologna fall off of his dick. Even if it's mixing plots and time periods or whatever, the point remains that despite all the artsiness of Nymphomaniac, despite Shia LaBeouf's crazy beard and subsequent beard-fiddling in that interview, clearly Joey Tribbiani got something right, because one of Shia's people had to photograph his penis and send it to one of Lars Von Trier's people. And that is just golden. It really does happen in real life. Oh, show business, you crazy thing you.