These Hilarious Hillary Clinton Emails Will Make Your Day So Much Better
The State Department this week announced that it would be releasing 7,000 new Hillary Clinton emails from the batch of 30,000 turned over by the former secretary of state earlier this year. State Department officials first discovered that Clinton had been using a private email server to conduct government business back in March while investigating the deaths of four Americans in the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya, prompting Clinton and her team to preemptively turn over a swath of pages for review. Similar to the department's previous Clinton email releases, the latest round included few new details which might prove useful going forward, but enough of mundane comedy to keep the public entertained.
In the last batch of emails, news junkies and political pundits were handed only a few morsels of meaty revelations but plenty of hilariously boring chit-chat between Clinton and then-staffers Huma Abedin (Clinton's chief of staff), adviser Jake Sullivan, and former assistant secretary of state for legislative affairs, Richard Verma. One specific email, dated March 5, 2010, for example, contained nothing more than a bland subject line about food and a punctuated one-line inquiry.
"Subject: Gefilte fish," read the headline. Underneath it, Clinton had obscurely asked, "Where are we on this?"
The press and social media had a field day, tweeting jokes and snide comments about the non-revelation. "The upside of this Hillary Clinton email scandal? I learned that Gefilte Fish doesn't come from a Gefilte fish," actor Arsenio Hall jokingly tweeted, the same day the email was dug up by reporters combing through the latest batch of released pages. "It's carp! I l luv carp."
Of course, the latest email dump was no less entertaining. By Friday afternoon, State Department officials had released the 7,000 new pages for public viewing, and buried amidst the boring banter were a few notable pages ranging from side-splitting to strangely amusing.
Hillary And Baseball
In an email from lobbyist and former Bill Clinton adviser Lanny Davis on June 8, 2009, the family friend delved into some sports talk after updating Clinton on an op-ed piece he had written for The Washington Times. "Your greatest fan, Josh [Davis' 16-year-old son], got two hits and threw out a man trying to steal third," wrote Davis, updating Clinton on the latest high school baseball chit-chat. "You would have been proud!"
If the visual image of Auntie Hillary cheering on her favorite fan's baseball team doesn't warm your heart, you're dead inside.
Hillary vs. The Emoji
Turns out fax machines and Republicans aren't the only enemies Clinton's made over the past few years. In an email dated April 3, 2012, senior Clinton adviser Philippe Reines was forced to explain to the secretary of state exactly how to make a smiley face while messaging and emailing from her Blackberry after Clinton sent an urgent email about emojis.
"Here's my question: on this new berry, can I get smiley faces?" Clinton wrote. Ah yes, the important questions.
Hillary Is Soooooooo Cool
An April 14, 2012 email from Clinton chief of staff Abedin proved that everyday employees aren't the only ones who suck up to their bosses. "All my students can talk about is [the satire website] Texts From Hillary," Abedin gushed. "They absolutely loved it and you played it perfectly! (you also look sooooooo cool!)"
Nice one, Huma.
After Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod told a crowd of reporters at DNC headquarters in December 2011 that then GOP candidate Newt Gingrich was like a monkey climbing a pole ("Remember the higher a monkey climbs up a pole, the more you can see his butt," said Axelrod, "[and] now that Gingrich is climbing, we'll see how people like the view"), former Bill Clinton aide and family friend Sidney Blumenthal emailed Clinton to complain about the comparison.
"WHY IS OBAMA TEAM ATTACKING GINGRICH," wrote Blumenthal angrily, accusing the president's team of acting as "an adjunct" to the Mitt Romney 2012 campaign. Clinton's response was both perfunctory and hilarious.
"Who knows," the former secretary responded wearily.
More Emoticon Sadness
Hillary must really love her emojis. In a distressed email to Abedin on Feb. 14, 2012, Clinton expressed dismay at losing the ability to use emoticons in her messages when swapping in her old Blackberry. "I'm quite bereft that I lost the emoticons from my latest [Blackberry," wrote Clinton. "Is there any way I can add them?"
It's okay Hill, we know that feel. :(
In one particularly comical discovery from July 2011, former Clinton policy adviser Neera Tanden's email account was hacked resulting in an awkwardly hilarious message to the former secretary.
"Look what I've found ... a very nice offer," read the email, with a link to a dating site called itTakes2. A confused Clinton then responded, "Did you send me this? If not, I think your email address book has been hacked." Clinton then added warily, "If so, why?" Whoops.
In April 2012, Clinton received a direct email from actor Ben Affleck about a new joint security report from the Eastern Congo Initiative, which Clinton then forwarded to her team. "I'd like to respond to Ben Affleck," wrote Clinton. You and me both, Hill.
If the Clinton camp had only released this particular exchange early in the game, perhaps the it could have avoided accusations of corruption and secrecy over the secretary's private email server altogether (because it's pretty clear Clinton has no idea how the Internet and modern technology actually work). In an email dated Feb. 1, 2012, Clinton desperately messaged aide Monica Hanley about her confusion over the social networking platform LinkedIn.
"How does this work?" Clinton wrote. Thank god you have social media assistants, Mrs. Clinton.
In 2009, as the crisis with the Islamic State was beginning to heat up, Clinton lamented the strained relationship between the United States and Turkey in a brief missive to retired foreign service officer Bill Burns by titling the email, "Fried Turkey."
"Bill — did you talk with the White House about [...] Turkey [visit]?" wrote Clinton before adding a little too excitedly, "Pls forgive the bad pun in the title!"
In other news, Hillary Clinton is exactly like your mom.
Images: U.S. State Department (3)