Stop whatever it is that you're doing and cancel whatever rubbish life plans you have set in stone over the next three days (no matter how important. Getting married? Blow it off!) because something wonderful is happening. The Gothamist is reporting that right now, at the Angelika Film Center in NYC, the man, the myth, the legend, Shia LaBeouf, is watching all of his films, back to back, in one sitting. And guess what? Not only could you be sat in that cinema watching Shia LaBeouf films with Shia LaBeouf but admission is also free.
The press release from "art collective LaBeouf, Rönkkö & Turner" states that the films will be viewed by the actor "consecutively, in reverse chronological order," 24 hours a day over the course of three days — enough time to send anyone into a LaBeouf tailspin. This all means, of course, that should you want to make the Angelika Film Center home for the next three days, during which time the quality of LaBeouf's filmography will likely deteriorate at a similar rate as your mental stamina. Yay!
For those of you already packing up an overnight bag in preparation for the next step of your important life journey (I salute you, soldier), then allow me to be your guide for the next three days. Find here the do's, do not's, essential snack food recommendations, and how to strategically plan a sleep pattern around cinematic oeuvres that you will not want to miss.
First and foremost, familiarize yourself with the screening times above. These will be your guiding lights within what will feel like an eternal darkness of the screening room.
Get Close To Shia
If you can, then obviously get as close to LaBeouf as possible. In all likelihood, the best seats (right next to, in front of or behind him) will be taken, but don't let that put you off. These people will need toilet breaks at some point, and then you can mosey in closer to him. Should there be swarms of people around him like a scene from The Walking Dead, then be sure to take your iPad along with you. There's a live feed of LaBeouf's face watching his own movies up online! Which is also great news for those of us planning to do this whole movie marathon in real time from the comforts of our home.
Day 1: 3:45 - 7:45pm
Probably LaBeouf's greatest movies to date, you'll not want to miss Nymphomaniac Vol. I and II, but be warned; this is Lars Von Trier we're talking about, and as a director, he has a habit of making films which can be emotionally draining and get right under your skin. Take a comfort blanket and maybe some ice cream to soften the blow.
Day 1: 9:30pm Onwards
Once you get past a movie which ends with two men having their super-glued backs separated from each other (Charlie Countryman), you get a double bill of the political action thriller Company You Keep and the Nick Cave-scribed Lawless. Whilst the former might be enough to keep you alert, you might start to feel a little exhausted at this point. Don't give up just yet!
Day 2: 1:30 - 8:40am
I'm going to keep this simple. There are two Transformers movies to sit through during these hours. Make sure you take along some noise-canceling headphones (those robots are loud) and catch some vital nap time now.
Day 2: 8:40am - 12:20pm
You've hopefully set a handy alarm for times like this, so wake up, grab some breakfast (might I recommend Pop Tarts? The perfect breakfast on the go!) and enjoy Eagle Eye; an action thriller perfect for setting you up for the rest of the day. Afterwards you get to enjoy LaBeouf's bizarre performance in New York, I Love You.
Day 2: 12:20 - 4:50pm
You need to bring your A-game for the next four hours. Remember everything you were ever taught about survival skills and toughen up to sit through Indiana Jones: Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and the first Transformers film. Do me a favor and shriek "Why?!" in LaBeouf's general direction a few times.
Day 2: 4:50 - 6:20pm
Two words people: Surf's Up. If you can't enjoy a cartoon parody of surfing documentaries featuring penguins catching waves then I genuinely have concerns about your general well being.
Day 2: 6:20pm Onwards
Get comfortable and genuinely enjoy a quadruple bill of Disturbia, Bobby, Guide To Recognizing Your Saints and Greatest Game Ever Played and take yourself back to a time when LaBeouf was being championed with absolute sincerity as being the next big thing. Try not to feel too sad about the fact that you just sat through a handful of robot movies which might have proved otherwise.
Day 3: 7:05 - 11:50am
Even if you slept, I can imagine that you're still in pretty bad shape by now. Is Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd going to change any of that? Prepare yourself for becoming a incoherent wreck (it's inevitable. Possibly even after a good nights sleep) but do try and enjoy being able to watch LaBeouf getting progressively younger. It's like Benjamin Button up in here!
Day 3: 11:50am - 4:55pm
OMG, Holes — are you kidding me? What a movie. Take a moment to remember how great the rap song was from that film. Ask LaBeouf to re-enact it live for you. You also get to watch another kids movie right after it, Monkey Business, in which a group of friends apparently "thwart a handful of gangsters with some help from the animal kingdom." You're in the zone, right now. Live it up!
Day 3: 3:20 - 6:53pm
You're at the finishing line! Keep pumping that caffeine, eat some sugary sweets, and throw yourself towards the finishing line — it's super easy from this way forward. You only have The Christmas Path (what a pre-festive treat!) and a Hayao Miyazak to sit through! You got this.
And you're done! Congratulations! Hopefully by this point LaBeouf has handed you some sort of certificate or gold medal for having been a victorious audience member with him and hey, maybe you're even best friends by now? I'll be watching from the wings (aka, the live feed, from my bed, surrounded by popcorn) and truly can't wait to see what expression his face makes around the mid-afternoon point on Day 2. Those robots have a lot to answer for.