The holidays are filled with plenty of weird things. Like giving presents to co-workers you don't like and pretending candy canes aren't just sugar-coated sticks. But, holiday music is easily the weirdest thing about Christmas. Yes, I do realize that I am rocking the sleigh-shaped boat here but I have to be honest: Classic Christmas music is bizarre. I get that these classic Christmas songs represent gone-by eras and that they must be blasted on loop at the local shopping mall from Thanksgiving to New Years, it's tradition, I understand that. But when you listen to the lyrics, really listen and put the songs into context, you realize that most of this music is not fit for public consumption. Shockingly, the weirdest classic Christmas lyrics come from the most famous of songs.
As a child, I thought Christmas music represented the purest angelic music the world had to offer. Now, I realize the truth. Christmas songs are the Lifetime movies of the musical world — they're totally bananas. Coming to this realization has shrouded my entire childhood with sadness. I have also learned that any song about any topic (war, alcoholism, cancer — seriously any topic) can be a Christmas song if there are jingle bells in the chorus. That's how the holidays work, it seems.
So next time your Nana gets drunk and starts singing Christmas carols at the dinner table, ignore the off-key delivery and focus on the true meaning of her words — it will make her screeching seem less painful.
1. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
Arguably the most depressing Christmas song of all time, when the song was first written it was a thousand times sadder. Originally the lyrics read, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas / It may be your last/ Next year we may all be living in the past." Talk about such a downer. The song was re-written but still retained some its sad-sap roots. It's weird that in the season of giving, we listen to such a sad, sad song.
Weirdest Lyric: "Through the years we all will be together / If the fates allow"
Glad some of the gloom and doom (see: maybe you'll be dead next Christmas) of the original still remains.
2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Apparently music of a by-gone era was totally cool with a song about pressuring your lady friend into spending the night. This song is all about Netflix and sorry-it's-snowing-out-you-should-stay-and-chill kind of a night.
Weirdest Lyrics: "Say, what's in this drink?"
Nothing says holidays like a casual reference to roofies.
3. "Santa Baby"
Christmas is awesome because it's sorta like a second birthday and is one of the few times a year it is socially acceptable to list of a bunch of materialistic things you want. No world peace on this chick's Christmas list.
Weirdest Lyric: "Think of all the fun I've missed / Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed / Next year I could be just as good / If you check off my Christmas list"
Moral of the story, if you are slutty Santa will not bring you presents.
4. "Silent Night"
This song essentially all about people being happy their baby is asleep. While it may seem like a Christmas miracle that a baby feel asleep, it seems like a weird topic for Christmas. Or maybe that is just my inner-fear of babies coming out — that is also totally possible.
Weirdest Lyrics: "Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child"
I know not what this means.
5. "Mary, Did You Know?"
I have never been pregnant but I do know strangers have a habit of coming up, touching pregnant ladies bellies, and asking way too many questions — I feel like this song is the musical version of this phenomenon. Leave Mary alone in this song, let her put her feet up, relax, and eat flaming hot Cheetos like a normal pregnant person.
Weirdest Lyric: "Mary, did you know / that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?"
Um, yeah. That's what the angel Gabriel was for, there was an entire story in the Bible about it. Stop asking pregnant ladies rhetorical questions!
6. "12 Days Of Christmas"
This song is long overdue for an update. If my true love gave me half-of these things, it would be grounds for a split. Except the five golden rings — that lyric can stay. But the rest? I ain't got time for poultry and Lords of Leaping. Ain't nobody got time for that.
7. "The Christmas Shoes"
This song is going deep, some would say too deep. The cliff notes are: Man goes to a store and sees a kid attempting and failing to buy new shoes for his dying mother. This song was also turned into a made-for-tv movie starring Rob Lowe because some television exec thought three minutes of this wasn't enough to make you cry.
Weirdest Lyric: "You see she's been sick for quite a while / And I know these shoes would / make her smile / And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight"
Because nothing says the holidays like songs about footwear and dead parents.
8. "Away in A Manger"
Remember the saddest part of the naivety story, where baby Jesus did not have proper lodgings and had to sleep in a receptacle meant for animal feed? Well, no worries because someone wrote a song to memorialize that moment. This song is kinda like that drunk uncle who always ruined your birthday party by mentioning you had a giant head at birth.
9. "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
Weirdest Lyric: "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you"
Gosh, that seems a little harsh Bono. Guilt trip, much?
10. "Winter Wonderland"
This song basically sounds like someone who has run out of things to talk about on their first date and is literally just listing the things they see and talking about the weather. If the date was with Michael Bublé, I would be 100 percent OK with it, if it's with Tim from Tinder, less so.
Weirdest Lyric: "And pretend that he is Parson Brown / He'll say are you married we say 'no man'"
Apparently the establishment is A-OK with having Christmas lyrics no one understands or appreciates. Who is Parson Brown and why is he asking people if they are married? That seems awfully rude.
11. "Please Daddy (Please Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)"
Weirdest Lyric: "Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas / I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry / Just last year when I was only seven, now I'm almost eight as you can see / You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree"