The other day my brother waltzed into the kitchen to ask, "Did you hear the news? Nickelodeon's doing a new Hey Arnold! TV movie." And, just like that, we were transported to 1996 today, giddy with childish glee. While it's uncertain whether this is going to be the long-shelved Arnold Jungle Movie, Variety does confirm that it'll "resolve unanswered plot lines," the main one being "Where the hell are Arnold's absentee adventurer parents?" And that's great, but I still have so many questions about the show in general.
There are certain mysteries that have been revealed over time such as "What's Arnold's last name?" (Surprise! It's almost definitely Shortman, what he's been referred to the entire time). And even though it was somewhat confusing, Arnold has confirmed that the plaid hanging under his shirt is a button down, not a kilt. These tidbits are helpful, to say the least. Yet they don't even scratch the surface of the mysteries this series has left us with. Missing parents are up there, but really, what is going on with Grandpa's bowels?
So, with that in mind, here are my questions about all the things the series left up-in-the air when it unceremoniously ripped from our lives.
1. Has Mr. Simmons' Class Moved Onto Fifth Grade?
I would hope so, because it's been like a casual decade.
2. Approximately How Awkward Is It Between Arnold And Helga These Days?
Helga let out her feels in the original Hey Arnold! movie, but they immediately swept this confession under the rug, chalking it up to the "heat of the moment." But girl, come on, Arnold looked like he wasn't going to forget that unless he had it surgically removed from his brain, so I just feel like there's tension there.
3. So Is Mr. Hyunh Hanging With His Daughter Regularly Now, Or...?
To this day, Mr. Hyunh and Mai's reunion makes the Hey Arnold! Christmas special one of the most touching episodes in television history (and, if you deny that, you need to leave right now). Here is the thing, though, what exactly happens to Mai after it was all over? I know she probably has her own life going on and can't just get re-adopted by her biological father, I get that. But are they like... pen pals? Do they gave Wine Wednesdays? I don't even know.
4. Did Harold And Big Patty Ever Make It Work?
I'm glad they're comfortable enough to sit with each other at lunch at all, but I really need those two to be a legitimate endgame.
5. And What About Phoebe And Gerald? Huh?
Don't act blind and pretend you didn't notice their several year long flirtationship.
6. Whatever Happened To Pigeon Man?
Like, did the birds end up dropping him, or is he living on a remote island with all of his avian friends? I hope it's the latter.
7. Hell, Whatever Happened To Ruth?
Not that I particularly care, but, once Arnold fixated on Lila, it feels like she dropped off the face of the... show.
8. Did Grandpa Ever Get His Digestive Problems Fixed?
You know what, actually, I never want to find this one out.
9. Hey, Did Brainy Ever Decide To Invest In An Inhaler?
I don't know, maybe it would help him out with all the mouth breathing.
10. And Did Anyone Know How To Properly Utilize Tweezers?
I mean, Helga kind of tweezed her eyebrows it in the same butchered way I do mine when she went to Rhonda's sleepover. Otherwise, it is a very unibrow friendly neighborhood.
11. So Did The Green-Eyed People Get Cured, Or Did They Get All Wiped Out?
The implication based on old concept art of The Jungle Movie suggests they're alive and all mystic-y. Who even knows, though?
12. But Most Importantly, How Is It That Arnold's Parents, After X Amount Of Years, Never Thought To Shoot A Text?
Like, that's just irresponsible.
I guess it'll be a while since we get any real closure on these important inquiries. Until then, feel free to watch your favorite Hey Arnold! episode (or seven) to pre-game for this special TV event.
Images: Nickelodeon (2); Giphy (11)