Dear Manly Men: I want to apologize for the microaggressions you face every day just trying to consume your favorite wine-related beverage. Now, finally, there is a solution that will leave your masculinity fully intact: Mancan canned wine. Canned wine. Wine in a can. Wine for Men. Man Wine. Manly man Man Wine for Masculine Men because dudes.
Is anyone else really, really tired of things getting unnecessarily gendered?
Created by Graham Veysey, a guy who lives in an old firehouse and owns a tough-ish-looking dog, Mancan came about after Veysey wanted to order a glass of wine at a bar without having it come in stemwear. (Standing next to his friend, who was carrying a manly man beer, made the whole stemmed wine glass thing a no-go for Veysey. Sounds traumatic.) Thus, MANCAN was born, a drink that urges men to "shut up and drink." Shut up about what? "Aromas." No, seriously — that's all in the product description and on the cans themselves. I'm not kidding.
But do these cans have to be for men? I mean, sure, I guess women could use them if, oh, I don't know, they have unsteady hands and a tendency to swing their arms as soon as they start drinking... but probably not. That's too practical, and if I've learned anything from my time as a woman, women are anything but practical. They're too busy with stemware and smells. (Hi there, sarcasm!)
This whole Mancan thing got me thinking: what other everyday items are reeking of anti-dude-ness? These six common items. Surely they could use a manly touch, too, right?
Except, no. Let's just quit with the whole unnecessary gendering of things in the first place, shall we? Dudes can drink wine out of stemwear. Ladies can drink wine out of cans. Anyone can drink wine out of whatever receptacle they like, as long as they are legal drinking age — no gendered qualifiers required.
1. Cocktails (Get It?)
Wine is not the only alcoholic beverage manly men are tired of forgoing — what about cocktails? What about frozen margaritas? I mean, nothing says, "Ew, girls!" like one of those teeny tiny umbrellas, but the frozen margaritas, they taste so good. Just once, I'd like to see, oh, I don't know, a tiny chainsaw in lieu of an umbrella. Much more practical. Serve that ish up in a tree trunk (no womanly stemmed glassware here, thank you), and you've got yourself a Man-garita. Nailed it.
2. Mittens
Look, it's the end of November, the weather is cold, and as much as dudes wish they were naturally snow-repellent, scientists have yet to make that leap. Nothing keeps those fingers warm and ready for manly activities like playing video games like a great pair of mittens. It's a fact. But, like, mittens are so emasculating, you know? With the knitting and the keeping warm of hands and stuff? Gosh. But I think I've finally come up with a solution: Steel mittens. Man-ttens. No lady-wool here. Just pure, cold, hard, steel pouches for your hands. You are so bad-ass, dude. Believe me. You're rocking it.
3. Ice Cream Cones
Ice cream cones are for babies. Girl babies. And then there's the licking. And the incapacitation. How can you defend yourself from Bad Guys if your hands are all sticky and sweet and holding an ice cream cone?! It's a matter of public safety, is what it is. So how you do enjoy a hands-free frozen treat experience? A bowl. With a catapult. That shoots the ice cream into your mouth. And slaps you if you say "mmmm" too loudly.
4. Smartphones
Being forced to scroll through a touchscreen with one single little lady finger is honestly an attack on masculinity. Men have big hands — the biggest hands, ever. How are they supposed to access that app that tells them the best places to simultaneously chop wood and chug beer (that doesn't exist yet, but I'm working on it, don't worry)? I suggest an addition to the next big operating system update: A setting that lets you just yell at your phone and then it does whatever you want.
5. Forks
Forks require one to take tiny, girly-sized bites. How embarrassing for you. I mean, "fork" and "feminine" even both start with the letter "F." A shovel utensil, for which to shovel food into your mouth, now that is the way to go, my friend. Get ready for some man-sized bites. Oh yeah.
6. Beds
Are you into "being comfy"? Geez, I might as well confiscate your Man Card right now. That is some serious lady-business, sleeping well. New plan: Kill an animal, like a bear, which all men are capable of doing, and sleep inside it. That's what the Vikings did. I read it online somewhere.
