In case you were wondering how specific dating websites have gotten in the last decade, look no further than the dating app that pairs you with a beard. More specifically, it promises to pair up with a hunky lumberjack looking man. Bristlr is both hilarious and oddly specific. Like Maria Bamford or finger cots.
To be honest, with the amount of jewelry commercials that keep making me feel crappy for not being engaged I looked at this app in a whole new light. Maybe I am meant to meet the future Mr. Fayvinova online. (That's right, he will be taking my last name in this made up scenario.) Maybe my future is waiting for me to click a tiny heart underneath his picture and decide to give into societal pressures. Maybe, Bristlr is the key to my happiness. Or maybe I will spend 15 minutes setting up a fake profile (using my actual picture) and proceed to make people online uncomfortable. That last one really speaks to me...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I'm currently on two dating apps where every other message is asking for pictures of my feet, but I'm surprisingly not bitter. I think love finds you when it finds you — or when it stops asking about feet stuff. If you are an online dater, it doesn't hurt to be a little specific about what you want. This app is 100 percent for that.
Step One: Choose A Flattering Photo
This profile picture says "I'm mysterious, get to know me". It also shows that I'm not jealous of other people's love since I'm standing underneath their tree.
Step Two: Create A Memorable Username
Straight to the point and totally true. I think my potential suitor will appreciate that my username matches the pics.
Step Three: Answer Honestly
Get brutally honest. If that means starting an existential crisis within your potential partners, then so be it.
These answers show that I am faith based and superstitious. The kind of combination that makes men weak in the knees — from running away.
Step Four: Browse Your Produce
At this point you will see matches that are near you. I've had tons of fun looking at my selection this morning.
He can groom a beard and kill a wild animal. Both appealing in a weird way.
A Friend To The Kids
The name of the app is Bristlr, so I would suggest being more specific with your profile picture. At this point I cannot tell if I will be on a date with Santa or Santa's fully grown adult friend.
Wait ... I just saw another engagement commercial. Ugh. I will take either, thank you.
Man Bun Hunk Alert
This dude is trendy. I'ma hit him up ASAP.
This man made room for me to imagine myself with him. By that, I mean take a screen shot of his profile and draw a stick figured version of myself next to him. He's in it for the long game and I am into it.
Well, I guess it's time for me to set up the dates. Feel free to get your own!
Images: Bristlr; Pexels