Behold, How Christmas Trees Have Sex

by Dasha Fayvinova

Christmas is around the corner which means that you have to find out how Christmas trees have sex. That's what the true meaning of Christmas is, right? ... It's not? Well, I'm Jewish, so can you really blame me for not knowing every tiny little thing about Christmas? Anyway, if you are still with me, then you are in luck. This morning I watched a riveting video about tree sex. Can you tell I'm single or should we just jump right to it?

If you have ever been camping in a forest-y area you most likely ran into a pinecone or two. But did you know that pinecones are basically mobile sex organs that grow on trees — only to fall off and make more tree babies? No? Well now you do! Because that's what they are. Pinecones catch pollen and mature seeds inside of them. When the seeds fully mature the pinecone opens up and shoots baby tree seeds all over the place. They do so in the hopes that at least one of two get a college degree and make some kind of tree out of themselves.

Apparently this technique of baby making has allowed pine trees to be one of the oldest species around. They are able to withstand terrible temperatures and horrible living conditions all thanks to those hanging lady cookers. After this video, my pinecone collection really took on a new meaning. Below is a simplified version of the process.

1. The Man Tree vs The Lady Tree

So pine trees have both male and female reproductive organs, just straight chillin' on their branches. According to tree science, the one of the left is a dude organ and the one on the right is a female organ.

2. Dude Tree Closeup

The tree penis is that yellow looking thing that looks exactly like what a tree penis would look like. It makes pollen. This is starting to sound familiar.

3. Climax

Just like Andy Samberg in the "Jizz In My Pants" video, this tree explodes pollen with the slightest hint of a breeze. WHOOSH, and it's all over the place. As the pollen comes flying everywhere, pinecones open up a tiny bit to let it fly inside of them and begin the maturing process.

4. Tree Child Birth

And just like a lady after months of nurturing a fetus into existence, the pinecone pops over and lets her tree babies come out. Hopefully some of them get into the ground and grow the next generation of trees.

Majestic, isn't it? If you want to see the entire video at length you can do so below:

Images: Pexels; YouTube