If GOP Candidates Were 'Star Wars' Characters
So, have you seen the new Star Wars yet? As a pop cultural phenomenon, few things can match the Star Wars films — that wildly nostalgic, decades-spanning sci-fi franchise that countless people hold so near and dear. Entertainment now is quite different from where things were when the last (decent) installment was released in 1983, however, with even our politics becoming mainstream entertainment. So to celebrate, why not shoot the gap? Here are 6 Republican presidential candidates as Star Wars characters, because it's never a bad time to argue over whether Ted Cruz is Boba Fett.
First things first: with everyone right in the thick of the holiday season, maybe you haven't had a chance to see the new movie yet. If so, you can rest easy! The following list will be strictly limited to characters and events from the first six Star Wars films, from The Phantom Menace to Return Of The Jedi. So you won't have to worry about any spoilers for The Force Awakens, which if Twitter is any indication are basically everyone's worst nightmare right now.
With that out of the way, let's get to it!
1. Chris Christie Is Han Solo
Look, obviously you might not agree with his politics, but is there any Republican candidate you'd more expect to find slumped in a dirty cantina, nursing a drink and boasting implausibly about the speed of his spaceship? Who would you sooner expect to be ready to slice open a Tauntaun for his bro?
I guess you could make a case for a fresh-faces youngster like Marco Rubio, sure, but he doesn't have that every-now-and-then deliberate asshole vibe that Christie does, and that's a crucial component of any self-interested, roguish space smuggler.
2. Rand Paul Is Greedo
Which, of course, means that Rand Paul has to be everyone's favorite scrub bounty hunter Greedo. The debate over whether Han or Greedo shot first notwithstanding, the simple fact is that the little green alien gets blown away, more focused on his sinister monologue than on making quick work of Solo. And if anything's been obvious from the GOP debates so far, it's just how much Christie and Paul dislike each other.
And in the GOP field, Rand Paul's always stood out for spending a little too much time talking himself up — remember when he essentially challenged Rachel Maddow to a duel over his plagiarism scandal? Always missing the forest for the trees, that Greedo.
3. Donald Trump Is Jabba The Hutt
Holed up in his heavily guarded, seedy fortress, the foremost criminal boss of the Star Wars series demands prompt compliance from his subordinates, constant pandering from his yes men, treats women with abysmal, objectifying disdain. Sound familiar? And just look at those negotiation tactics! Someone's been reading Art Of The Deal!
If you threw a little more gold trim on Jabba's palace, you could hardly tell it from Trump Tower. And let's be honest — if Donald Trump got his hands on R2-D2, you just know attach a crappy drink tray and force it to serve guests on his private jet, or if you will, sand barge. Also, since Mike Huckabee keeps sticking up for Trump, how about we give him Salacious Crumb.
4. Ben Carson Is Yoda
Well, here's what'll probably be the most controversial item on this list. But seriously, if you're trying to summon up a Star Wars comparison for Ben Carson, you could do a whole lot worse than Yoda. He's a very famous guy who's done a lot of fantastic things for the world, but the times have passed him by — just like Carson put away his brain surgeon's tools long ago, Yoda hung up the lightsaber. And, obviously, both of them look and sound kind of sleepy and meandering.
There is a huge key difference, admittedly: Carson is running for president while exhibiting little to no relevant knowledge, something that's hard to imagine wise old Master Yoda doing. But who really knows what would've happened if Yoda had gotten into conservative politics? He was certainly a religious zealot, there's no denying that.
5. Lindsey Graham is Jar-Jar Binks
Ok, so Lindsey Graham isn't technically a presidential candidate anymore. He dropped out of the race Monday in the face of insurmountable odds. But you won't find a better Jar-Jar Binks in the bunch! Sure, he seems like one big joke at the start, but he keeps on rising in prominence and power, forever stumbling and bumbling into tighter proximity with the galaxy's heroes. Flailing upwards, you might call it.
By the time Attack Of The Clones rolls around, however, Jar-Jar's neoconservative tendencies cause unfathomable damage, as he proposes the galactic senate motion that grants Chancellor Palpatine emergency wartime powers.
6. Jeb Bush is Jek Porkins
Who is Jek Porkins, you ask? This dude.
Way to flame out in the first few minutes of the Death Star run, Porkins. Just like Jeb Bush, Porkins probably though he was ticketed for greater things than he was. Maybe a dream kicking around in that head of his about sinking a one-in-a-million shot to blow up the Death Star? But, also just like Jeb, that dream was dead before it ever truly took flight, a victim of his own massively unremarkable, underwhelming nature. Also, Jek! looks great on a poster.