Listen, this might be hard for you (me) to understand, but life is not written by Nora Ephron, and not every New Year's Eve is a scene from When Harry Met Sally, nor does it include a New Year's Eve kiss. Maybe you (me) had a stinker of a year, and don't even want to go out to ring in the new year, but then your friends Jess and Marie (movie? me? this is getting confusing), who happen to be the happiest couple on the planet, drag you out to a party because they've made it their personal resolution to help you break your slump, which is of course so sweet, but there's just one problem: you (me, definitely me) are not Sally, and that's not Harry leaning in at the stroke of midnight, it's someone you freaking do not want to kiss. This rom-com hallucination raises an important question: How do you avoid the obligatory New Year's Eve kiss when you're not feeling it?
Alas, Nora left us too soon and without an alternate ending. Since December's almost over, I took it upon myself to ponder how to avoid getting any more awkward slobber on an already disgusting year. If you're socially well-adjusted, these tips probably won't apply, but here's what I came up with:
1. Pull A Cinderella
When there's no spell involved, this move basically involves straight up ghosting — my preferred exit strategy any day of the year — but it may actually be one of the more polite ways to demur a NYE smooch. Far better than, say, recoiling in horror, right? Start the new year out on your own terms, and get the eff out before the countdown even begins. Just turn and run, baby girl — your pumpkin awaits!
2. Make It About Someone Else (For Once)
You and your newly single best friend might have romantic chemistry after all these years, OR the two of you could be in for a (highly-combustible!) failed experiment. If that's not a theory you're willing to test out, play chemist and match him with another, erm... particle? proton? (Sorry, I stopped taking science in ninth grade.) My point is, be an amazing wingman and your biggest role in his midnight pucker will be looking away.
3. Steal A Baby
What's a better 11:59 distraction than grabbing the nearest newborn and starting to coo? Yes, babies hate abrupt movements, but parents love free babysitters! They are definitely gonna want to snog when the ball drops — it may be months since they've had a proper shag — so give 'em a hand and canoodle their adorable tiny human to dodge your full-grown not-so-cute one. BOOM, that's how you get away with murder, Dexter! Pro tip: Pets also work in this capacity.
Your new art of avoiding the kiss is all about performance. C'mon, you didn't do that high school play for nothing! Start sniffling the moment you sense your conversation partner working up the nerve. Go full nose pick if you get caught off guard.
Some of us (not me) may have to dig down deeper than others, but we all know turning on the waterworks is the fastest way out of a sticky situation. Use it! Ugly cry face so hard dudebro thinks you're having a psychotic episode — or at least trying to win an Emmy.
6. Just Stay Home
I hope you've been living in a parallel universe of blessings on blessings alongside Drake and Big Sean, but for a chunk of us, 2015 has been a rough year. If your vibe is more "good riddance" than celebratory, there's nothing wrong with staying in. Catch up on your queue, conserve your energy, kiss your dog. Let's be honest, New Year's Eve plans are never all they're cracked up to be.
Plus, if your (OK, my) intention candle has anything to say about it, 2016 is going to be so good, you'll want to kiss everyone on the way out! Happy New Year's, sweet lips.
Images: Pexels; Giphy (7)