19 Emotional Stages Of Babysitting Your Drunk Friend, 'Cause We've All Been The Party Guardian
To paraphrase the Beatles, you get by with a little help from your friends. But when those friends become drunkenly incapable of fending for themselves, they get by on a little help from you. Taking care of your drunk friend is a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
Plus, no shade, but your friend can be a real bull in a china shop when she's had too many. (So can you! We're all human!) This tendency toward destruction makes being the Virgil to her inebriated Dante somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. As the party chaperone, you wear many hats —mother, bodyguard, lawyer, financial adviser, therapist, accountant, and sherpa. Pivoting from duty to duty requires some serious mental resilience and will likely leave you emotionally drained. At best, you'll feel like you're giving back to the universe and accruing great karma. At worst, you'll fear for your life and that of your sloppy, sloppy ward.
We've teamed up with Comedy Central's Idiotsitter to walk you through the various stages of babysitting your obliterated buddy. Catch Idiotsitter, Thursdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC app. Plus, keep in mind the golden rule of drunk mom-ing: you hold my hair back, and I'll hold yours.
Stage 1: Excitement For A Great, Quasi-Responsible Night Out
It's been a rough week and you intend blow off some steam. You call up your "party friend," because she is always down to go out. Thank God for her. You need this.
Stage 2: Your Friend Has Other Plans
You were banking on this being a night of quasi-responsible raging. However, when said girlfriend shows up at your place with a bottle of alcoholic 4 Loko from 2010, it becomes clear: she's trying to get WEIRD.
Stage 3: The Grim Realization Of The Terror That Awaits
The gleam in her eye is unmistakable: her inner party bear is stirring from its brief hibernation. Fasten your seatbelt, kids. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Stage 4: Being The Recipient Of Her Amusing PDA
Early on, your friend is LOVING you down. She hangs on your shoulders, whispering sweet nothings in your ear like, "You matter more to me than ANYONE on Earth!" and "I had a really confusing sex dream about you once!" Flattered in spite of her 99 Bananas-scented breath, you shrug and say, "Aw, thanks girl!"
Stage 5: Pleasantly Buzzed Friend Is So Much Fun!
Friend will proceed to get her goofy-ass groove on, take shots of Fireball, get groove on, repeat. Her freak flag is waving proudly for all to see, and you're kinda loving it.
Stage 6: Timidly Suggesting That She 'Take It Easy'
The turning point will come when your friend goes from "uninhibited great time" to "verging on incoherent." Ever gingerly, you suggest that she paces herself. "You're not my MOM!" she'll slur as she takes her shot, steals yours, and helps herself to drinks meant for the people next to you.
Stage 7: Feeble Attempt To Force-Feed Water
The exchange will essentially go like this:
You: Have some water! [slides glass of water over to friend]
Friend: No! I want vodka!
You: OK, here! Have some vodka! [takes first glass off the table, then slips it back on]
Friend: [takes a sip] Bitch! This is WATER! [throws water in your face, sprints away in search of vodka]
Stage 8: Your Friend Runs Away & You Try Not To Panic
Your friend has gone rogue. Remain calm. Her party bear has morphed into a party toddler and sometimes, toddlers run away from their parents. Doesn't make them bad parents.
Stage 9: Abject Panic
You will call her repeatedly to no avail, all the while running through the trouble she could've gotten herself into (strolling off a bridge, setting herself on fire, being taken in the style of the Liam Neeson sex-trafficking drama, Taken). Now is the time to feel like a bad parent.
Stage 10: Epiphany That You Should've Stayed Home And Watched TV
You could've spent a far more relaxing evening on your couch watching Rock Of Love... instead, you're leading friends down the primrose path to almost certain death.
Stage 11: You Find Your Friend! Engaged In Face-Sucking With An Unidentified Human!
When she reappears, you will find her making out with a stranger most likely named Danger. You will pry your friend from the literal maw of Danger, hissing in his general direction to shoo him away. It's somewhere around 1 a.m., and your transformation to "hyena mother" is complete.
Stage 12: "We're Getting Out Of Here NOW!"
You've officially decided that the party is over, and it's time to leave. Your friend will plead with you to stay, but like a principal, or an authoritative legal guardian, this is where you draw the line. Such discipline!
Stage 13: Carrying your friend's limp carcass outta the club, Bodyguard-style
Your friend relents eventually, but will only leave under the circumstance that you carry her. Cue the Whitney Houston... "AND IIIII-EE-II..."
Stage 14: A Self-Esteem Boost At Being Such A Great Protector
You're an invincible lioness, unstoppable on her mission to protect your young.
Stage 15: Then, Your Friend Starts To Sob
The self-esteem boost will end as quickly as it began with your friend beginning to cry uncontrollably. You can try to outrun the beer tears, but the beer tears will always find you.
Stage 16: Getting Barfed On
The night isn't complete until your friend vomits, most likely all over your only good, non-Forever 21 going-out-top. Typical...
Stage 17: Recording Her Drunken Ramblings On Your Phone
The nonsense she's spouting is too good NOT to make into a 45-minute voice memo.
Stage 18: Exhaustion And Gratitude That It's Over
As your pour your friend's nearly lifeless body into her bed and tuck her in, a wave of relief washes over you. Your New Year's resolution is to never do this again.
Stage 19: Accepting That This Will Definitely Happen Again
No matter how many times she does this to you, you love the doggone lushy broad! Also, she's adorable when she's drunkenly snoring as she is, now. Plus, saving you from certain death, cleaning up vomit, and tucking you in is what friends are for.