Valentine's Day is fraught with meaning. Any gift, token, or salutation will inevitably be overanalyzed to the point where words will begin to sound like meaningless noises — like when you repeat the word "supercilious" 50 times in quick succession. So, rather than spend all that time wondering what it all means, I've got you covered with a quick and occasionally dirty explanation of what the type of Valentine's Day candy you receive come Feb. 14 really says about your relationship. And you can trust me, because I'm definitely an expert.
Just tell your mom that you read it on the Internet, and she'll be sure to believe your in-depth assessment of when she can reasonably expect grandchildren. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the weird secret to romance that love gurus don't want you to know is that the way to a woman's heart is through her second, small but not insignificant, candy stomach. It just doesn't roll off the tongue quite as easily. The candy stomach is located between the regular stomach and the uterus (see, I told you I'm an expert), and, when full, triggers the release of pleasure chemicals in the brain. That's why Valentine's Day is so important, if you date the ladies. So, don't drop the ball.
Here are the irrefutably real meanings behind each popular Valentine's Day candy.
1. Chocolate Flowers
Your Valentine loves to shower you with expensive gifts. You probably also received some sort of jewelry, or that pricey Fitbit you’ve had your eye on. Receiving chocolate flowers on Valentine’s Day could also mean that your partner wants to do some experimenting with dessert, so you have that to look forward to.
2. Chocolate Kisses
Ah, young love — if your Valentine gifts you Hershey's Kisses on Valentine’s Day, it means your new romance has really made an impression. If your romance isn’t new, well… I hope you asked for those kisses specifically.
3. Candy Hearts
Your Valentine is always living life in the moment, and by that I mean that he or she definitely forgot it was Valentine’s Day, and grabbed these in the break room at the office yesterday.
4. Peanut Butter Hearts
You and your Valentine share a deeply complex relationship, and that’s why your Valentine knows you prefer the salty yet sweet union of chocolate and peanut butter in a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. You’re more Brontë than Austen, but, as you know, there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s
5. A Box Of Mystery Truffles
You know those cheesy statuses people post about being in a relationship with their best friend? Well, you really are in that relationship. You and your Valentine could sit for hours watching reruns of The Colbert Report while exploring the many flavors of fillings in the heart-shaped box, which you will obviously eat together, just like you always do.
6. Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
Congratulations, you freaky lady. Chocolate-covered strawberries are an unmistakable indication that you are killing it between the sheets like the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team killed it in the 1996 Summer Olympics.
7. Candy On A Stick
The upside of receiving candy on a stick is that there's no shortage of laughter in your relationship. The downside in receiving any kind of pop — lolli, tootsie, cake, or blow — is that it might be somewhat challenging to get your special someone to be serious. But it’s alright, because who wants serious when you could have candy?
Now that you know the secret meaning behind just about any candy you could give or receive on Valentine's Day, shop accordingly, and make sure that you did in fact wish to lower someone's expectations with candy hearts or, conversely, compliment your partner's sexual prowess with chocolate-covered fruit. Gift smart, and you're welcome. XOXO.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast,I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.