Jeb Should Try These Crazy Debate Strategies

It's been said before and it will be said again: Jeb Bush is toast. Despite having an unlimited supply of money and more endorsements than any other Republican, Bush hasn't been able to escape from the mid-single digits in polling, and hasn't come anywhere close to overcoming the two frontrunners for the nomination, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. Seeing as his campaign is a lost cause anyway, it wouldn't hurt to be bold and daring. There are a few nutso debate strategies Jeb Bush should seriously consider at the next forum, because if you can't win, you might as well have some fun, right?

It's not as if Jeb! hasn't already tried to reboot his campaign. It's just that so far, his rebooting attempts have been either purely symbolic, like his "Jeb Can Fix It!" slogan, or completely uninteresting, like the time he released a 700-page eBook of emails he sent as Florida's governor. What he hasn't done, and is perhaps unable to do, is generate excitement amongst Republican primary voters.

Well, it's do-or-die time. Bush really has nothing to lose at this point, so he may as well go big before he ultimately goes home. Here are some ideas Bush should consider for the next debate in order to make a splash.

Insult The Audience

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"It's been six months, and you people still like Donald Trump more than anyone else on this stage. Donald Trump! That's insane, and if you don't agree with me on that, you are insane. The man's not even a conservative! If you think Donald would make a good president, you are a genuine moron, and I don't even want your vote."

Bribe The Audience

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"To all of the conservatives out there: If you deliver me your party's nomination, I will personally cut you a check for $1,000. I'm not currently an office-holder, so it probably wouldn't be illegal for me to do that. I'll have my people look into it."

Threaten To Support Hillary

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"Let's make one thing clear: If anybody other than me wins the Republican nomination, I will do everything in my power to elect Hillary Clinton. You know my family has a lot of money. I am dead serious about this."

Promise To Bring Back Firefly

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"Now, I know this is an unorthodox thing for a politician to say. But if I'm elected president, I'll make sure they bring Firefly back for another season or two. I know that's not within the president's constitutional authority, but trust me, I'll get it done."

Imply That Marco Rubio May Be A Murderer


"As you all know, I took Marco Rubio under my wing in Florida when he was a young up-and-comer. I learned a lot about him during that time, and let's just say, Marco is a guy with a lot of skeletons in his closet. I mean that in the most literal sense possible, if you catch my drift."

Cravenly Admit His Brother Was An Awful President


"Look, we all know my brother wasn't the best president. Matter of fact, he was a bad president. But everyone knows I'm the smarter of the Bush brothers, and I'm happy to throw him under the bus if it means winning this election."

Slip The Other Candidates Laxatives Before The Debate

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"It looks like I'm the only one who bothered to actually show up for this debate. You want a president who keeps their word, don't you?"