Even if you’re blissfully in love 4ever and ever with your soulmate, Valentine’s Day is the suckiest holiday on the calendar. There are a lot of expectations about the sex, everyone feels pressured to give the best gift, and sometimes even the happiest couples end up fighting with each other over a $200 prix-fixe dinner.
I don’t care if you’re planning the most romantic ever Valentine’s Day with your one true love, it’s probably still going to be disappointing and at least a little sucky. Enjoying this simultaneously sappy and stressful holiday is going to be difficult enough for singles and those of us in boring relationships, but these five situations make things exponentially worse.
1. The Vagina Monologues
If you didn't grow up in a zone of vagina okayness, The Vagina Monologues may have felt relatively transgressive and empowering when you first saw it performed on your college campus. Now, 18 years after its creation, enough already. Being dragged to a student performance of The Vagina Monologues ever year on February 14 is awful, especially for your boyfriend who really doesn't give a shit and just wants to eat and get laid. The graphic descriptions of vaginas are sure to keep you both really (not) in the mood all night long.
2. The Letdown
If you’re forever alone or even just feeling a little bored and existential, Valentine’s Day highlights all the ways that your current relationships are “inadequate.” Divorces spike after Valentine’s Day, and it’s likely because we’ve committed ourselves to a specific idea of love that most normal relationships don’t fit. If your partner is more likely to pick up a Starbucks gift card for you and call it a day, its pretty easy to get disappointed when the world is telling you to expect a sparkly kiss from Kay Jewelers.
3. Being a Newly-Formed Couple
Being in a new relationship is exciting, until Valentine’s Day comes around. Not only do you have to buy a gift, but you have to stay within reasonable expectations. If you show up at V-Day dinner with a fancy expensive bourbon and your date has a box of drugstore chocolates, the rest of the meal is probably going to be pretty awkward. Trying to gauge these expectations puts a damper on the fun of navigating a new relationship, and that really sucks.
4. Being Really, Really Broke
To give is better than to receive, unless you don’t have much to give. When you’re only sort-of broke, you can still shell out a little cash for a casual dinner and a box of Vosges truffles. Being “holy crap, how will I pay rent?” broke is a whole ‘nother monster. You likely have a few bucks for a card and a homemade dinner, but you’ll always feel like you could be doing (read: buying) more for the person you love the most.
5. Unhappy Relationship Awkwardness
Relationships that are headed for the dumpster are particularly awkward on this “romantic” holiday. When you can’t be around your partner for more than five minutes without an argument, being forced to awkwardly spend an evening out doing “romantic” things feels really awkward. Sometimes, you get really lucky and realize why you fell in love with each other in the first place. Probably, though, you’ll end up in the bathroom crying after an insensitive comment in the first five minutes.
We should just skip Valentine's Day altogether and just move forward to Cadbury eggs and Zombie Jesus. If you’re already acutely aware of why V-Day sucks, go back to your ice cream and box of wine — you’ve seen the light.