The first time I was penetrated, I was 22. I had been dating a guy for six months, and while he enjoyed “topping,” he “bottomed” for me because, if I’m being completely honest, I was afraid it would hurt too much. After a night of heavy drinking, I built up the courage to ask him to penetrate me. I really wanted to try it with him because not once, over our many months dating, had he pressured me to bottom.
So we did it. It hurt, but only because I clenched for dear life. The entire time I kept asking if I had accidentally pooped on him. He repeatedly replied “No,” until frustrated, he said, “If you poop, you poop. Stop asking. Sh*t happens.” Literally.
It was true love.
After we finished, we lay together, naked and cuddling. Once my initial high wore off, that’s when the thought hit me: They’ve all been letting me do this? Really?
I had penetrated (P-in-V/P-in-B) numerous women and men before this experience. While I knew, in theory, that there’s a difference between penetrating and being penetrated, I hadn’t realized how different the experience actually is; how much it teaches you about vulnerability and physical intensity. This is why, regardless of sexual orientation, I think every man should experience penetration.
Having now been penetrated repeatedly, by both men and women, I can safely say my first experience wasn’t a fluke. It wasn’t simply the novelty that caused my emotional and sensory overload. It was the act of having a person, quite literally, inside of me. Everything is amplified while being penetrated. The sex is more intense. Emotions are magnified. If I liked them before, I tend to like them even more after. If I was kind of “meh” about them before, that “meh” becomes an “Ew, I don’t want to see you ever again.” I feel vulnerable, open, exposed. I trust them harder. I feel more connected.
This isn’t that surprising. Being penetrated puts you in a more vulnerable position — a much more vulnerable position than being the penetrator. And vulnerability leads to intensity (and also great sex).
I honestly believe that if more men were penetrated, they would stop being such aggressive little punks about having sex so damn soon.
It’s no surprise that I seldom bottom for people during one-night stands. I need to have a connection with you beforehand. I need to know you aren’t going to ram me without proper foreplay. That has happened, and it’s quite painful. I understand these guys got a little overzealous, but at the end of the day, it’s not something I ever want to have happen again. I need to know that if I say stop, this hurts, you are going to stop right then and there. I need to know that if I accidentally poop on you, (yes, this does happen, actually quite often) you’re not going to make me feel insecure. You’re going to smile, laugh it off, and still want to be with me. I need a connection. I need to trust you fully.
Now that I've been penetrated, I finally understand why as a woman or man you might want to wait to have intercourse, even if you really like the person. I honestly believe that if more men were penetrated, they would stop being such aggressive little punks about having sex so damn soon. I know that’s a generalization, and I know that there are a myriad of other societal factors that contribute to the tired trope of “Men always wanting sex and woman always resisting,” but I think the lack of empathy, coming from a place of never having been penetrated, is a contributing factor. One that’s easily remediable.
There’s also the other side to why men should be penetrated that’s often overlooked: All women should have the chance to experience being the penetrator. I’ve been penetrated by women, but not that many — either with fingers or with strap-ons. Consistently, the woman enjoys it (and wants to do it again). It’s a different experience being the penetrator; just like it’s a unique experience being the "penetratee".
The power dynamics of sex vary greatly, as does pleasure, depending on which position you’re in. Women have described it to me as a surge of power and dominance; something that they might seldom get to experience during sex. When women do want to penetrate me, it’s very much in a context of BDSM — but I don’t think it has to be. Being a bottom doesn’t demand submissiveness. Excuse my vulgarity, but when I bottom for a woman, we’re never making love — I’m just getting f*cked. That’s undoubtedly fun and pleasurable, but also just one type of sex that can happen while bottoming. Since bottoming for men (with a woman) is taboo, when it does occur, it makes sense that it might often be in a kink fashion. But male bottoming should not be considered kinky, and women penetrating men should not be considered kinky. It should be a standard sexual practice.
Men, remember when you discovered masturbating and you thought, “How could this get any better?” Then you had sex and thought, “Woah … that’s how it gets better!” It’s the same thing.
One last reason why every man should try being penetrated: It feels incredible. Earth-shatteringly divine. For both parties involved, but especially for the male bottom.
Here’s an apt comparison: Men, remember when you discovered masturbating and you thought, “How could this get any better?” Then you had sex and thought, “Woah … that’s how it gets better!” It’s the same thing. Sex can get better, and your prostate is the key — a gift from the gods. With prostate stimulation, you get to experience full body orgasms. They’re more intense and no longer localized to your genitals.
It perplexes me how men who seem to value sexual satisfaction above everything else refuse to let anything enter their rear. If they just dropped their heteromasculine facade, they could start having real pleasure. Real intimacy. Real connections. Real empathy. There’s no reason why only gay and bisexual men should get to experience all the good stuff.
I believe 2016 is going to be the year we, as a society, break down gender roles and sexuality norms. Men, being penetrated, regardless of sexual orientation, is a win-win-win-win-win. A win for you. A win for your partner. A win for men. A win for women. And a win for society. So it’s time. Let’s drop those pants and bend over, boys.
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Images: Zachary Zane