Right Now, Your Body Hates America. Make It Forget That

You're potentially so hungover right now that moving your eyes from line to line feels like running a race. Getting up to get coffee is totally out of the question — I mean, what do people think you are, an athlete? The days after a National holiday are rough. So here are a few ways to recuperate before the weekend has slipped away.


Watch a marathon, that is. Settle into the air conditioning with a soda and the awkward leftovers of yesterday's feast and numb your poor brain with awesome shows like Orphan Black or anything off this holiday-themed list. Celebrate our independence like a true American and let the mindless vegetation continue.

Food-Related Spa Treatment

Girl's gotta eat, and you can help your skin while you do it! Put cucumbers over your eyes, slather some avocado on your face, and get some sugar lip scrub going. Then eat the cucumbers (maybe dip them in your face mask, yummy... guacamole), and lick that sugar because, like, washing it off is wasting it. Mustn't be wasteful, right? This is America, land of the free and home of those too shameless to let perfectly good avocado go uneaten.

Get In The Shower and Address The Sand in Every Crevice

You know it's there. How else would it be getting into your bed if it wasn't somewhere on you? Yes, this is one of the grossest parts of post-beach-drinking days, but it has to be done. Sand in your hoo-ha for one day is plenty. Seriously.

Treat Yo'self and Put Vaseline On Your Inner Thighs

#Biggirlproblems. There you are, pretending to be so happy and comfortable wearing nothing but an America-themed bikini and shorts combo. (Looking patriotic is way too hard post-BBQ.) So you're running around, sweating, trying to keep up with your skinny friends, but in reality, you're just trying to get drunk enough to avoid what is an inevitable problem: the inner-thigh chafe. So you aren't forced to walk like a cowboy all day, put on some flowy linen pants and oil that shit up. Ain't no shame in being prepared.

Make A Friend With a Pool. Quickly.

Pools make hangovers so much better. You get to nap in the sun all day, and god forbid you surprise puke, you can totally claim heat stroke. (It definitely wasn't the half bottle of tequila you chugged yesterday when your friends held you on their shoulders while chanting "AMERICA.") Also, floating in the cool water might be just the rebirth you need to forget all the semi-shameful things you've done recently in the name of your country.

Remember: Hair of the Dog is NOT The Answer

I'm not saying you shouldn't drink every single day of this four-day weekend. I'm just saying you should start drinking once the previous day's hangover has worn off. Because it's all well and good now, two days in, but the four-day hangover you have coming on Monday is going to be worse than a guy who makes you pay for dinner and then steals your condoms. Have some vitamin C, hydrate, and go lie outside for a bit. You can thank me next week.