Here's the Sochi Olympics' Opening Ceremony Drinking Game Your Liver Has Been Waiting For

Earlier today, a young girl was lifted into the air like a puppet at the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games in Sochi. Eager viewers from the United States will have to wait to witness this spectacle, however, because the NBC broadcast of the Sochi opening ceremonies starts at 7:30 p.m. EST. While this is a storm cloud for those who thirst for immediate streaming, the silver lining is that you can quench a different kind of thirst tonight. Without further ado, I present the Official 2014 Semi-Cheating Guide for Drinking to the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi, or O2SCGDOOCS, for short. (When you return to this first paragraph after completing the following challenges, this acronym will float off your screen, glowing with clarity.)

First, however, a quick public service announcement: Olympic athletes train for years to attain a moment of glory, and you may not have trained for this here decathlon of drink. Here are some quick life rules for drinking responsibly as a person who is 21 or older (or 18, for our European fans who like to watch belated coverage on an American network):

1.) When in doubt, pour it out.

2.) Have snacks on hand.

3.) Keep your Olympic water bottle at your side.

4.) Make it a team sport.

Canada shows us how to responsibly share a bottle:

Alex Livesey/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Anyway, here we go!

Eat a Rummy Bear every time you see a rainbow.

Yes, that is a gummy bear soaked in rum, vodka, or another type of hard alcohol. The relatively small size of these bears, combined with their limited absorbency, will allow you to follow this rule without immediately blacking out. As Russia has learned, the best way to ensure maximum press coverage for a cause is to ban it on a national scale. The only way you're not going to feel the effects of this rule is if you're watching on a black and white TV.

Imbibe Goldschläger every time you see Putin.

The floating bits of gold will serve as a reminder of all the money that Putin and his supporters have ingested over the years in the interests of the Russian people.

Drink a Slippery Nipple every time someone falls on the runway.

Because, even as winter athletes, they have difficulty navigating surfaces that even look like sheets of frozen water.

Take a Pickleback shot every time you hear the words "War and Peace."

When you follow a shot of whiskey with a shot of pickle juice, your warring taste buds reach a state of transcendental peace. Don't believe me? As Tolstoy writes:

“People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong.”

Take a bite of an alcoholic popsicle every time you see manufactured snow.

Don't have any Schnappsicles on hand? Here are some recipes to try at home. As I write this, it is 34 degrees in Sochi with a 0 percent chance of precipitation.

Gargle Fireball Whiskey as the Olympic torch makes its way around the stadium.

This is a game to play with two other friends. The first person to spit out or accidentally swallow their whiskey has to sit on the floor, while the second person must kneel as if they were on the second place podium. The winner gets to keep their spot on the couch, provided that they are head and shoulders above the other two. The winner may choose a national anthem of their choice, and as it plays they will mouth the words and choke back tears. The person in second place will stare wistfully into the distance, and the person in third place will immediately hawk their medal on eBay. Chocolate coins may stand in for medals.

Sip Miller High Life every time there is footage of an American celebrity who is not an athlete.

America! We own these games!

Take a swig of Mad Dog 20/20 every time equipment malfunctions during the ceremony.

Spoiler alert: you're going to need a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. This is also a tribute to the street dogs who met their untimely fates just in time for the arrival of Olympic spectators and athletes.

Quaff a White Russian every time Russia rewrites its history through a rose-colored lens.

Additionally, you can "edit" the White Russian by adding a different alcohol of choice for every edit that occurs. Cynics can skip the cream and head straight for a Black Russian, which consists of vodka, coffee liqueur, and crushed proletariat aspirations.

Drink a White Rabbit every time the Sochi mascot inspires terror in thousands of children.

Not since Donnie Darko or Monty Python and the Holy Grail has a rabbit looked so menacing. With this White Rabbit recipe, hopefully you can escape this image by ducking down your own personal rabbit hole.

Happy drinking, and may the vod(ka)s be ever in your flavor!

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