'Game of Thrones' Preview Reveals Lots o' Sex

I'm going to bring up the thing you're not supposed to mention with Game of Thrones fans, and I'm going to talk about the Red Wedding. We all remember it, the pain, the shock, the blood. It was a dark time for Westeros, and an equally dark time for us, the fans, albeit in a more emotional sense. As the third season drew to a close, we were still traumatized and confused: Where would we go from here? How could Game of Thrones possibly come back from such a tragedy? How could the next season top this one? Well, a quick viewing (if you count 15 minutes as quick, which when it comes to GoT, I do) of Game of Thrones Season 4 teaser trailer will give you hope, as Season 4 looks to be even bigger and more epic than the last one. Is your brain exploding? MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING WITH POSSIBILITIES.

So, to gear up for what is sure to be a titillating, heartbreaking and panty-ripping new season, I'm going to do a blow by blow account of all the sexy things to get excited for, based on the "Ice and Fire: A Foreshadowing" trailer. Just to whet your appetite, here are the juiciest tidbits to look forward to. Try your best not to scream aloud, since we're not actually in Westeros, and noises of unusual aggression or excitement will not blend in with the sound of warfare and anguish that is so normal in our favorite mythical land.

The Royal Wedding

This shit is going to make Kate and Will's nuptials look like a backyard barbecue. From the Foreshadowing alone we can expect loads of roasted animals of all sorts, fire breathers, a sexy ass crown for Margaery and some bullshitty bullshit in the form of a wedding speech given by King Joffrey. Gwendoline Christie, the actress who plays Brienne of Tarth said that the wedding is the biggest scene she's seen in all of Game of Thrones... I foresee endless amounts of circus performers and roasted pigs, and I like it. I like it a lot.

Arya Becomes A Bad-Ass Warrior Chick

I mean, we knew it was coming, but that whole bit where Arya is talking to that dead-looking old guy and she's all "nothing just means nothing"? Hardcore. It took all of last season to deaden her to hardship and evil (losing your family to Filch from Harry Potter can do that to you), so now she's totally ready to learn the weird and wonderful warrior ways of that sexy dude who killed three people for her and had super bizarre personal pronoun usage. Yeeeesssssss.

Jamie Lannister Is Sexy Again

Thank the lord for whatever the medieval equivalent of a shower is, and the same goes for scissors. Jamie Lannister, sister-fucker extraordinaire, is back, and though we might have reservations about his sexual predilections, no one can deny, the man knows how to rock a singlet.

Tyrion and Sansa Are TOTALLY Gonna Bone

I absolutely love that Tyrion Lannister is a gentleman who insists on consent before offering up his revered bedroom skills and I am soooo ready for this royal couple to have some fun and learn to be less miserable. Also I want to see Peter Dinklage mostly naked. Not sorry.

WINTER IS COMING. JK, It's the Wildlings

So last season ended with Jon Snow staggering into Castle Black being all, "the Wildlings are coming! The Wildlings are coming" Paul-Revere-style, but now... they're gonna come. Which means Ygritte is going to whoop some serious Westeros ass. Hell hath no fury like a Wildling scorned? Also, just for good measure, you know nothing Jon Snow.


Gets all nudey. And, according to Tonks from Harry Potter, the dude is hung like a Hodor. Who'da thunk it?

More Unbelievably Amazing Set Pieces

Seriously, the set designer for Game of Thrones deserves every award ever, because the show is just so sumptuously designed, so inventively characterized, it's crazy. I hate King Joffrey, but gotta admit the dude has fantastic taste. I would steal all of his tapestries in under a second flat.

Dragon Drama, Dragon Mama Drama

When we left Daenerys, she was being lifted above the shoulders of the people of Yunkai, but... what now? She's got a lot on her plate, what with having teenage dragons who are less cute and more worryingly flammable, aaaaand the whole running a city of slaves thing, which is new to her. But if the outfit Emilia Clarke is wearing during her interviews in the Foreshadowing mean anything, she will also have a really excellent tooth necklace. So... yay for great accessories, at least?But all this is just the tip of the iceberg. Expect huge battles, loads more nudity, and potentially more incest. SEASON 5 IS COMING.

Image: HBO