6 Reasons Why Obama Would Never Cheat on Michelle With Beyoncé, Or Anyone
Today in crazytown, French photographer Pascal Rostain accused President Obama and Beyoncé of having an affair. C'est pas vrai! Rostain told Europe 1 Radio and Le Figaro newspaper that the alleged affair would be published in the Washington Post tomorrow, and French media promptly freaked out. The rumor was quickly debunked, with Post spokesperson Kris Coratti saying it's "definitely not true."
Does Rostain think all U.S. publications are the equivalent of the National Enquirer? And for all you conspiracy theorists, weirdo Barack-Bey shippers, conservative politicos, or Beyoncé-haters (gasp!) out there: Who're you gonna believe, some guy whose name rhymes with "rascal," or the Washington Post?
Pascal has since retracted his statement, saying it was just a joke and publicity stunt. "It's incredible to see what a buzz this has provoked across the world… I only wanted to show, by being absurd, how my profession is going downhill," he says.
How dare you, sir.
Still, admit it, in the back of your mind you're thinking, "Could this ever happen?" Granted, both Beyoncé and Michelle Obama are strong, independent, and fierce females. And the Obamas are pretty chummy with Mr. and Mrs. Carter, who were most recently invited to The White House for Michelle's 50th birthday bash (and brought along the adorable Blue Ivy). But have you even heard the racy lyrics on Beyoncé's new album? It sounds like she and Jay-Z are doing juuust fine.
Sorry, Queen B, Michelle Obama has the upper hand in this alleged love triangle (quadrangle?). Here are all the reasons why Obama would never cheat on his wife:
If Michelle wasn't pleased with Obama's selfie-taking shenanigans with Denmark's Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt at Nelson Mandela's funeral, then she sure as hell won't stand for any cheating going on in The White House.
Hey Barack, would you really never want to hold Michelle Obama's perfectly-toned arms ever again? Didn't think so.
Plus, she would break you, Barack. Break you right in half.
Michelle Obama is one smart cookie. Her family lived in a one-bedroom apartment on Chicago's South Side, but that didn't stop her from graduating cum laude from Princeton University in 1985 and earning a law degree from Harvard Law School three years later.
Even though she says teachers told her she'd never get into Princeton, she didn't take no for an answer.
Michelle Obama is a lady who fights for what she believes in — whether that is dunking with LeBron James for her Let's Move campaign or advocating for military families.
Now that you've hinted at walking over a do-nothing Congress during the State of the Union address, you need all the help you can get right now, Barry.
Even if Sasha and Malia have crossed into the eye-rolling phase, Barack and Michelle have repeatedly professed their commitment to their daughters. Why would Obama ever want to upset the First Family's dynamic?
Sure, Bo and Sunny look cute and fluffy and adorable and playful now, but that may not be the case when Michelle Obama turns them into vicious attack dogs. They helped train dogs for the annual Puppy Bowl, so she's got them at her beck and call. Watch your back, Barack.
Get a room, you crazy kids.