The 13 Stages of Seeing a New Johnny Depp Movie Like 'Transcendence'

We’ve just been given a taste of Johnny Depp’s latest film, Transcendence, and believe it or not, it’s not a mystical romp through the mind of Tim Burton or a Disney movie about Caribbean pirates. But while Depp may have ditched his usual shtick for the moment, there’s a bit of trepidation that goes along with seeing any new Depp film nowadays.

The film in question is a science fiction drama that stars Depp as a scientist who hopes to research Artificial Intelligence well enough to find the point at which A.I. overlaps with human intelligence, a concept called singularity. Of course, with great power comes great resistance and Depp’s good doctor will meet plenty. But is Transcendence enough to bring continually burned Depp fans out of the woodwork?

It will certainly be an uphill battle with untested screenwriter Jack Paglen and seasoned cinematographer and first-time director Wall Pfister at the helm, but Depp’s reputation itself is enough to make the project questionable. Once upon a time, he was the sure sign of a good time — and in some cases, a well-acted good time. From his early work in Edward Scissorhands and Crybaby, to later films like What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Donnie Brasco, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Depp always had a flair for picking the unexpected excellent role and knocking it out of the park. But then came Secret Window and the Pirates of the Caribbean movies — the first of which was a refreshing surprise before the subsequent flicks drove that notion into the ground.

Now, Depp is futterwackening his way around Hollywood, offending people as Tonto in The Lone Ranger, working of his bag o’ gimmicks in Dark Shadows, and even disappointing in the highly anticipated Depp-as-Hunter-S-Thompson follow-up The Rum Diary. But Transcendence feels different, so we’ll give it a shot. It’s just important to remember these (revised) 13 stages of seeing a contemporary Johnny Depp movie:

Oh, there’s a new Johnny Depp movie coming out.

Oh, there’s a new Johnny Depp movie coming out.

What’s that? The premise sounds kind of interesting, could it really be that bad?

There’s got to be some redeeming quality, right?

There was once a time where a Depp movie called to us like a beacon.

And upon viewing his movies, our hearts would burst with joy and overzealous love for this total stranger we'd chosen to idolize.

Okay, yes. That’s what we said about Secret Window and look what happened there.

And remember when we thought there was no way Jack Sparrow would ever get old?

And when he definitively did?

And remember how we've felt about almost every Disney movie he's done since then?

Think about how many times he's rendered us so blue.

Decide to skip this new movie. We're just going to be disappointed anyway.

But what if this one's different? What if this is like Finding Neverland or Chocolat? What if this is the one time we're wrong? We should probably go ahead and pay that $14.50 just to make sure. Right?

We're all doomed.

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