AMC Won't Lift Its No-Texting Policy & These Texts Illustrate Why That's The Best News

In news that's likely prompting technophobes the world over to heave a sigh of relief, AMC has confirmed there is no texting allowed in their cinemas. Praise be! This follows hot on the footsteps of AMC CEO Adam Aron's interview on Wednesday with Variety, in which he gave us all goosebumps by telling the site he was open to making their auditoriums more "texting friendly." Somehow. "You can’t tell a 22-year-old to turn off their cellphone," he said. "That’s not how they live their life."

Oh really, Mr. Aron? I may not be 22 years old, but I'm pretty sure everyone goes to the movies for two reasons and two reasons only. One, to see an excellent movie on the silver screen, soak up the cinematic experience, good vibes, great popcorn smell, etc., and two, to have a foolproof excuse for why they can't respond to a truly terrible text message.

I know, I know. We're all digital natives now, and there is no such thing as a bad text message. That tiny ping is audio shorthand for approval, love, and popularity. Except that we all know there are definitely text messages you receive throughout the day that make you want to "accidentally" knock your phone into a toilet bowl for some peace of mind. What sort of texts do I mean? Well, glad you asked! Since AMC theaters won't be text-friendly anytime soon, I decided to celebrate by outlining the sorts of texts that are exactly the type you want to go to a movie theater for just over two hours to avoid answering.

The following are just a few of the text situations that'll have you sprinting for your nearest AMC for a respite and the perfect alibi. You were powerless to reply. There's no texting allowed, remember?

Another Pointless Text From That Person You Just Started Dating

The early days of dating someone can be a magical thing. That dizzy mixture of excitement/nerves! The question of whether they'll find your collection of stuffed animals and your '80s George Michael poster adorable/repugnant! However, this stage is almost always terrible with serial monogamists — those who are only ever in heavy duty "let's start talking about moving in together on the third date"-type relationships are usually allergic to this stage of dating.

This type of person will send you a text every half an hour throughout the day. More often than not, the text won't say anything in particular: it'll just be a winky smiley or a few scattered kisses or a vague statement of affection. If you're confused, don't be. This is just them checking the pulse of your burgeoning relationship.

That Girl From Work Asking If You'll Shell Out For Another Goodbye Gift For The Guy Who's Leaving Even Though You Kind Of Hate Him

Hate is a strong word. You don't hate Paul, Paul's too beige to hate. You just remember a few times he's made sexist generalizations in marketing brainstorming meetings, and there was that time he patted you on the head after you said something "sweet." You, a full grown woman, in the office, in front of the CEOs. You've already shelled out for the cost of a fancy goodbye dinner for Paul, and now Mandy, the office organizer, is all over you like a rash for more of this month's paycheck for a wacky goodbye surprise for Paul. Ugh! You can't possibly say no, you'll be an office pariah. Time to hightail it to the AMC for a watertight alibi.

Your Mom Psychically Senses You're Partying Too Much And Doing Zero Studying

Noooo! You've been barhopping for the past four nights straight, and then you see this. On one hand, it's the kindest, sweetest text from your mother. On the other hand, the world's biggest guilt trip — she's your mother, of course she knows that you've cracked a grand total of zero books in preparation for finals. The only strategy? Quick, hail a taxi to spirit you away to the nearest AMC! Maybe you can watch a film with educational value for extra points.

In a cold, dark world full of texts that could rob you of your sanity, dignity, and paycheck, thank goodness for AMC's no-texting policy. Long may it last.

Images: Sophie Atkinson/ios7text (4)