You'll Never Want A Hot Pocket After This

I've never had a Hot Pocket, and after this I probably never will. Makers Nestlé USA have issued a recall of two varieties of Hot Pockets, Philly Steak and Cheese, because there's a chance they contain meat that didn't undergo the proper inspection. Brace yourselves: The Hot Pocket meat could have come from "diseased and unsound animals." Pass me a bucket, please.

The Hot Pockets are being pulled from grocery-store shelves as part of a larger recall of meat products from supplier Rancho Feeding Corporation, which processed the faulty meat. The United States Department of Agriculture said the resulting products "are adulterated, because they are unsound, unwholesome or otherwise are unfit for human food," and categorized the health risk as "high."

Anyone else feeling a bit sick?

So far, the USDA has recalled more than 8.7 million pounds of Rancho meat. Fortunately, so far, no illnesses have been reported in connection with the tainted meat.

In a delicately-worded press release announcing the recall, Nestle attempted to assuage the brewing hysteria by stressing that it was a voluntary recall. According to their statement, a "small quantity of meat" from Rancho was used at one of Nestle's production facilities dedicated to the making of Hot Pockets.

Don't worry, guys. Jim Gaffigan knows all about it.

You know you want to watch it again now...