Ted Cruz Tears Up Thinking About How, One Day, He'll Absolutely, Definitely Be President — VIDEO

Evidently, Ted Cruz's losing presidential campaign was one of the "greatest causes of our time." Don't believe it? Well, this is from the unbiased source itself: the Cruz campaign. His staff (why are they still around, anyway?) put out a video explaining how inspirational his candidacy was. No, really. In this video, Cruz tears up talking about his failed run for the White House, yet also implies he'll get another shot. Yes, truly.

The video starts not with Cruz, but a campaign staffer talking about having "no regrets" (which is the title of the video):

So if you ever lost a football game or a card game or something in life, there's like this regret, right?

Right ... Also, cue metaphors:

We live with regrets all through our lives. But in the event that you lose, that we're going to have a moment like this, and we're going to have this time that we're going to reflect on for the vastness of our life — and we're going to have this short window of time. Did I get through this without regrets?

What? Are our lives vast, or do we have only short window of time? What is going on here?

This is nearly a regret-free campaign. We literally did every single thing we could do. Ted Cruz didn't lose. Our campaign for president lost.

Except I'm pretty sure that Cruz did lose. Unless it's just not official until all the delegates vote for the potentially even worse choice of Donald Trump at the convention. Maybe it could be argued that the Cruz campaign lost worse than Cruz himself did — but only because then you get to include Carly Fiorina in the crashing and burning. Either way, he most certainly lost.

Ted Cruz on YouTube

The video switches from the staffer giving the speech to video taken at Cruz events of white people looking around nostalgically at each other. They seem to think that Cruz is far more than a politician, and the staffer called his time working for the campaign a gift and an honor. "We, regret-free, lived up to that honor," he tells his fellow staffers, explaining that they worked for something greater than themselves: "for each other" (read: other upper-class, Christian white people).

But of course, he's not the only one who thinks that the Cruz brand is the greatest thing ever. Cruz talks himself up before the tears start to form. "What we accomplished is frankly insane," he says. "Nobody thought we had a prayer, but what we did collectively here, was we sparked a fire and started a movement. That’s powerful, and doesn’t go away with one election."

After all, he says, Reagan lost the primary in 1976. "I suspect at that convention, there were more than a few tears shed," Cruz said. God help us. He thinks he has another shot. "It's going to be our task to go forward and continue fighting for that movement."

Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Cruz admits he's sad, but ends with, "We did everything we could, we left everything on the field." That sounds nice, but where is it coming from? He had some very mediocre results against one of the most despised presidential candidates of modern times. Then, in a hint at the most dreadful potential sequel you could ever imagine, the image of Cruz's campaign bus fades out and the words "To Be Continued" appear. I'm sorry, American voters of the year 2020. You might have to do this all over again.