The 11 People Your Friends Turn Into Post-Grad

by Samantha Jaffe

As members of the class of 2013, we are now almost 10 months out of college. In that time, much has changed. Some of us have new jobs and new apartments. Others have moved back in with our parents. Lots of us have broken up with our college boyfriends and girlfriends. We've grown. We've matured. In that process, we've turned from "Life of the Party" into "In Bed By 10 p.m. on a Work Night" or from "The Kid Who Won't Shut Up About Their Problem Set" to "The Kid Who Still Won't Shut Up About Their Problem Set (Grad School Edition)." The question becomes, who are we now that we've graduated? Do we even know? Here to answer our collective existential crisis is this list of the archetypes we and our friends have become in the P.G. (Post Graduate) universe.

1. The Corporate-Ladder Climber

She's constantly at work. If she leaves the office before 9:00 p.m. it's a miracle beyond miracles. You have to contact her ahead of time to schedule a time to schedule a time to hang out. When she's not taking a cab home from work at midnight she's at an office "networking event" which, to your untrained eye, appears to just mean a lot of drinking while wearing business casual. When you ask how she is, her response includes the word "busy" at least twice per sentence.

2. The Almost-Married Woman

She and her boyfriend/girlfriend are inseparable. Making plans with her inevitably involves making plans with her significant other. Bridesmaid dresses have already been discussed.

3. The Start-Up Kid

She, apparently, has more fun at work than the rest of us do on weekends. She goes in at 10 a.m., leaves by 6 p.m., and appears to spend her days gchatting, Instagramming, and walking the company dog. She lives in San Francisco (probably in Pac Heights or the Mission ... maybe North Beach) and won't shut up about farmers markets or the hike she went on last weekend. Her life, honestly, sounds ideal.

4. The Partner In Crime

This phenomenon exists in college, but it's far harder to find once you've entered "the real world." A PIC is your go-to for after-work drinks and weekend shenanigans. Her job is always slightly less intense than yours. She will buy you shots on a Wednesday because ... why not? She will never judge, and she will always, always, come dressed in theme.

5. The Improv Star

She has a day job, but nothing is as important as her desire to perform large-group, long-form improv sketches before an audience of strangers. She's the only one of your friends who is actually embracing the idea that "age is just a number" after you graduate — she totally hangs out with the 40 year olds in her improv group, and she doesn't think it's weird.

6. The "Stick Up Her Butt"

She used to be fun. No, really. But now work starts at 8 a.m. (instead of class starting at 10:30 a.m. — god bless college block schedules) which means she has to get up at 5:30 a.m. to make it to yoga, which means she has to be in bed by 10:00 p.m. the night before. ... You see where this is going.

7. The Jetsetter

While the rest of your group has entered the real world (on some level) she, like Peter Pan, has managed to avoid growing up. And that's totally OK. She's in Hawaii, or Thailand, or Ireland. She's WWOOFing, or teaching English abroad, or living with some rich guy she just met. She's not sure when she's coming back and words like "savings account" and "full-time job" appear to have no meaning. She is the best person to stalk on social media. You simultaneously wish you were her and think that she's crazy.

8. The "Fun" Roommate

It's all a rager. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday ... each and every night is an excuse to bar hop, to drink ridiculously colored beverages, to hang with her favorite bartender (we'll call him "Kevin"). She may or may not be employed. She's not "looking for anything serious" right now. That's all well and good, unless you, y'know, have actual work to do the next day and need to sleep.

9. The Badly Adjusted Frat Bro

He's the most fun, but he's also permanently stuck in the glory days. As far as he's concerned, college is what happens until you're 30. He lives in the city you went to school in, is back on campus a little too often, and spends a little too much time reposting Bro Bible and Barstool articles on Facebook. He still orders Bud Lite when he goes to the bar, even though he's a C.P.A. making $60k a year.

10. The Grad Student

She drinks a lot of coffee. Her classes all have names with too many modifiers and not enough nouns. She finds herself unaccountably, unbelievably jealous of the undergrads on campus. She backs up her thesis nightly. When she complains about research papers and midterms, it gives everyone else in the group immediate and uncomfortable flashbacks to college all-nighters.

11. The Token Unemployed Friend

She's pissed at the world. Nearly all the time. She has good reason to be: her life is a sea of cover letters and first-round interviews. Her laptop is surgically attached to her, and she spends lots of time in Starbucks muttering to herself. One of these days, it's gonna happen. It's got to, simply by the law of large numbers.