Shia LaBeouf's Response to Alec Baldwin Might Read Something Like This

Source: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The cult of celebrity is a maddening lifestyle, and people break. Just ask Alec Baldwin, who broke, over and over again, not with a whimper but a bang in this week's New York Magazine in an "op-ed" titled "I Give Up." According to Baldwin, he's had a rough road. He's been accused by the Gay Department of Justice of being a homophobe, and he's the victim of MSNBC's web of cowardly lies and broken promises. He's also a victim of modernity. People used to just want to take his picture and hang it in their restaurant, you know? "Broadway has changed, by my lights. The TV networks, too. New York has changed. Even the U.S., which is so preposterously judgmental now. The heart, the arteries of the country are now clogged with hate."

You'd think his utter weariness with the world would make him want to take poor Shia LaBeouf under his wing since he's an actor of a different generation, but also a victim of the brutal world of Hollywood and Planet Earth, but no. In fact, Baldwin eviscerated LaBeouf in his New York Mag invective, calling the young (no-longer) actor: "LaBeouf seems to carry with him, to put it mildly, a jailhouse mentality wherever he goes," going on to say LaBeouf is arrogant and entitled.

Poor Shia. Alone in some spartan room in Los Angeles, I imagine he might pen this desperate letter in response to Baldwin's manifesto:

Mr. Baldwin,

First of all #IAmSorry. 

I know we have bad blood from working together on the set of Orphans. I know I was brooding and difficult to work with, but I really just wanted to prove to you that I had memorized my lines. You are part of that upper echelon of Hollywood that I aspired to, and I acted out because you didn't give me the recognition I wanted. For that #IAmSorry.

You said in your piece that you feel #sorry for me. But why didn't you look out for me? Why couldn't you just give me a pat on the back and tell me I was doing okay? I'm a lot like you, you know. I hate this grind, too. That's why I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE. I'm #sorry that the vicious media magpies are accusing you of calling them cocksucking motherfuckers. And hey, man, even if you did, I get it, because aren't they all? They think we're assholes but they made us this way. I'm being accused of plagiarizing Daniel Clowes, and even if I did a little bit, why can't they just cut us some slack? We're doing our best.

I wish you didn't hate me, man. When I first saw you in Beetlejuice, I knew I wanted to be an actor. This town just doesn't get me. I wish we could start over because I know from my crazy success how cold this world can be. Maybe we can write a play together if you come sit down with me. Wear a suit. I'll be here until July (I got a six month lease).

#SorryIAmNotSorry for thinking we're a lot alike,

Shia 


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