'The Bachelor': Fantasy Suite Meltdowns

We return to The Bachelor for the second time in two days on the promise of "drama like we've never seen" in this season's fantasy suites, which will probably not be as dramatic as Chris Harrison would have us believe. Aside from Renee going home last night, almost nothing dramatic really happened. But tonight — you never know? Remember that this episode played host on the last Bachelorette to Desiree melting down in front of Brooks, as well as some truly unique fashion choices. The tropics (tonight: St. Lucia) have that effect on all contestants in the Bachelor/Bachelorette ecosystem.

Anyway, we're live-blogging all the Fantasy Suite action. Read as you watch, or soak it all in tomorrow. You've got options!

9:51pm: "I'm here. And there's other woman. It's okay." And with that — two blonde women who hate each other in Nikki and Clare. Chris Harrison tells them that Andi went home, that it's just the two of them. "Something happened that you need to know about. But you need to hear about that from JP, not me."

JP tells the remaining ladies that Andi didn't have feelings for him, which... isn't the most accurate summation of what happened. Either way, Nikki and Clare are IN IT TO WIN IT and accept the roses offered.

Clare: "I'm ready to leave here an engaged woman."

9:36pm: The conversation continues. "Andi, I'm not gonna argue with you." Later: "I'm not gonna argue with a lawyer." JP doesn't take the convo that well, either, suggesting that Andi has put words in his mouth. Clearly he... doesn't get it. And Andi drives off into sunset, upset that things ended the way they did. Though if the rumors are true, she'll be back on the next season of The Bachelorette to find some non-JP love...

9:25pm: Andi is ready to pack it up and move on, which is exactly what she's going to do. End it, Andi! Finish him! She says she felt things with him that she'd never felt before but... she's still not in love with him, and won't be. It won't work.

"When you say 'it's okay,' that bothers me," says Andi. And she's absolutely right — JP just plays the whole thing off so cavalierly, and falling back on the ESL crutch. "I want to die if I hear 'it's okay' again." Hahahaha.

Then they actually discuss what happened in the Fantasy Suite, where Andi says how much he's hurt her feelings. They debate the word "default" that JP used to describe how Andi made it to the Top Three. "There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

9:14pm: God, we've still got 46 minutes. Chris Harrison intercepts JP to talk about the three overnights. JP is feeling "very, very good" about these three women. He can see himself with any one of them.

Nikki's video does nothing to dissuade him of that notion, nor does Clare's. Everybody loves him! Andi's video is a little more... measured. Which we'll follow up on in a few minutes.

9:00pm: Nikki is wearing a very unique outfit as she and JP ride horses on the beach. Swim. Chat. Then share some wine near a fire-pit. I don't know what to tell you, guys, this episode is boring me to tears.

"I love you," says Nikki. He says... some gibberish words? And then they make out.

8:49pm: JP talks directly to us about how much fun he and Andi had in the Fantasy Suite, which doesn't jive with all the promos we've seen. Andi... "could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite." JP didn't ask questions about her, focused on himself — really turned her off of the whole situation. Andi knows that she'd never marry the guy... and that she's got to be the one to pull the plug.

8:37pm: Pre-Fantasy Suite. JP calls Andi out on something she said, that she "really badly wanted to fall in love." JP notes that forcing things to happen... really doesn't do anyone any good. Andi explains that she's got to take things seriously like that, especially when JP's daughter is involved.

JP explains to Andi that he totally listens to her, values what she says. They keep talking. It's frankly tedious, which I don't want to write because I like Andi more than anyone left on the show. Meanwhile, the producers are working OVERTIME to express how excited Andi is about the night in the Fantasy Suite. This is going to end very badly.

8:26pm: Andi's date. "I'm looking for someone who goes with the flow," notes JP as the two of them do some steel drumming and eat with the locals. Andi's excited to watch him interact with kids.

Then they hop in a dune buggy. It's no shooting range, sure, but it's something off the beaten path. JP drives them to a waterfall where they picnic and frolic. Andi's excited. One senses this will not last too long!

8:11pm: More Clare time. They talk about Cameeeeela, and Clare's potential role in her life. The conversation doesn't get very far before JP pulls out the Fantasy Suite card. And Clare, to her credit, wants to talk about that — make JP know that she has reservations, wants to respect his daughter and honor the unique circumstances in which they find themselves.

Of course you could fast-forward most of this, as I'm sure will be true of 80 percent of the night.

"I'm loving... falling in love with you," Clare finally admits before the heavy kissing sets in. JP plays it cool, as per usual, and just listens. Clare keeps going. "It wouldn't do any good for me to keep it to myself." The camera pulls away from the hot tub. There we go!

8pm: Luscious St. Lucia, where the sex will be plentiful and the number of unjustified "I love you!"s borderline absurd, I'm sure. Clare's not sure what she'll say when JP asks her to spend the night, but come on, Clare. It's going to happen.

Image: ABC