9 Celibacy-Inspiring Craigslist Casual Encounters Ads That Could Have Used A Good Editor

Look, I am all about celebrating kink. "Weird," taboo sex is great sex as long as everyone involved agrees — let's keep it safe, sane, and consensual, kids! I also think Craigslist causal encounters are sort of hot and liberating in theory, and would likely be very into them if I weren't in a relationship. (What? A girl gets bored in her studio apartment.)

But even though "You do you" is basically my motto for all things sexual, some casual encounter ads are even too extreme for me. And look! I've collected nine such ads for your reading enjoyment. Some of these are ads are funny, some of them are a unsettling, and — I guess this is the real issue — near all of them could have used a damn good editor. Click through and wince/judge/shop for chastity rings with me. NSFW, and trigger warning for sexual violence.

by Rebecca Santiago

Your Parents Really Fucked You Up - m4w

Ugh, there is a line between consensual objectification and straight-up negging, and negging is never, ever cool, mang. Also, chronic masturbating and overprotective parents don’t make you a boring, bored loser. Like, masturbating is widely acknowledged as super-fucking-fun, no?

I really don't get it - m4w

This is the Craigslist equivalent of a passive-aggressive sophomore-year-of-high-school Facebook status that *seems* anonymous, but is clearly directed at the poster’s on-again, off-again teenage makeout partner. So this is where the Nice Guys of OK Cupid Tumblr went to die.

*Trigger warning for the next slide*

** PERVERTED PREDATOR ** (Rape roleplay) - m4w

I’m of the opinion that, with the right partner, it’s possible to explore a domination fantasy in a way that’s safe and satisfying — but this takes that idea WAY too far. What makes me especially nervous here is that, in the full ad (this is a clip), the writer promises, like, way too many times that he is NOT a serial killer. Well-intentioned as that is, I wouldn’t buy a mattress that announced, “HEY EVERYBODY, I TOTALLY DON’T HAVE BEDBUGS, NO, GUYS, REALLY, NONE, I SWEAR.”

My friend Benjamin wants to meet you! - m4w

Mostly I enjoy this one because I can’t tell if “Benjamin” is someone’s friend or someone’s schlong. And, hey, free dinner!

insemination station - m4m

… well. Ladies?!

Want a FREE membership?? - m4w

I mean, this sounds like a pretty good deal, but also maybe like the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard of. I just reread House of Mirth pretty recently, and it’s giving me the sense that no good can come of this.

play with kitty katt - w4m

Perhaps this especially cracks me up because my AIM screen name used to be “kittikatster.” I am also concerned about what she plans on doing with roses in this context.

Suck or jerk the load out 4 rozzies - m4w

So this is pretty basic, except what, may I ask, are “rozzzies”?

Women Don't Really Enjoy Casual Encounters, Do They? - m4w

These LADY PEOPLE aren’t interested in sex for sex’s sake, are they? Surely ladies are far too busy knitting doilies to engage in such smutty claptrap, yes? Plus, The Craigslist is probably stealing your email, and also, your boner’s email. Hey, it’s possible. Also, no homo. (Uh, ahem, if any ladies are reading this, do you want to bang or whatever?)