'Toddlers & Tiaras': Even Alexa, A 2-Year-Old on Kiddie Crack, Will Never Replace Honey Boo Boo

Let's begin by establishing that all children's beauty pageants exist in the liminal space of morality, so our expectations of parenting skills are generally set unusually low. The world watched Mama June set Honey Boo Boo on the express train to Diabetes Town with her vile Go-Go juice on Toddlers & Tiaras in 2012, but we didn't care. Any 6-year-old who would holla for a dolla was our kinda pageant queen, with or without a functioning pancreas.

However, having said that, Toddlers & Tiaras has taken it too far, or maybe humanity has taken it too far, I can't even decide. On Wednesday night, we met Alexa, who, if you just watch her footage, appears to be the youngest yayhead in history. She drinks coffee every day, and fiends for toxic Tinker Tea (Pixy Stix, sweet tea and soda, in case you were wondering), oh, and by the way, she is two years old. Now, to say that it's terribly wrong to get a 2-year-old sugar high while claiming it's totally fine for a 6-year-old would indicate a very slippery moral slope, but seriously.

Honey Boo Boo has always been strange yet charismatic. Yes, her diet is a cause for concern,  but I'll be damned if she isn't the most interesting 6-year-old to rock Daisy Dukes. Alexa, on the other hand, is just sad. When her mom lovingly calls her "my little fiend," because Alexa is jonesing so hard for Tinker Tea she's actually almost crying? Why would a mother pump her full of caffeine and sugar when her child can't even talk yet? (A question that was probably covered in the leaflet they handed out before Parenthood 101.) Has anyone ever met a 2-year-old who wasn't already a squeaky version of the energizer bunny? And has anyone ever met a T&T mother who wasn't trying to cash in on Honey Boo Boo-like fame?

No, no, I cannot accept this. No one will ever replace Honey Boo Boo in our T&T hearts, not even a tiny Courtney Love. (Sorry I'm not sorry.)

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