Back in June of 2014, a little mobile game that promised to bless us normals with the chance to pretend we have a klose relationship with the royal family of Calabasas was born. And when I say "a little mobile game," I mean "a so very mayj mobile game that would go on to rule the world before anyone could say 'Stop blowing up my phone, Simon.'" Yes, Kim Kardashian and Glu Mobile released Kim Kardashian: Hollywood two whole years ago. And $157 million and 45 million downloads later, I still hold the following statement to be true: KK:H is my sun, moon, and K-stars.
“It's been two years since the KK game launch,” said Kardashian in a statement. “I’ve had the best time and I've learned so much from the process. My fans tag me in screenshots and I love seeing all their amazing looks. I'm excited for what's to come — lots of great new experiences.”
Over the last 104 weeks, my avatar has been through many ups (e.g., she befriended Kim Kardashian; she booked a recurring role in a Walking Dead-esque TV series; she climbed to the top of the A list; she climbed to the top of the A+ list; she climbed to the top of the A++ list; she bought a cat) and many downs (e.g., she failed to get five stars on a lot of jobs; on two separate occasions, she lost every last one of her fans; she slapped her nemesis when she shouldn’t have slapped her nemesis). But if one thing has remained the same, it is my avatar's devotion to her kraft. (Her kraft is, of course, fame.)
To kelebrate the two-year anniversary of the app, I boarded the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood bus, hopped off at Memory Blvd., and revisited some of my most cherished gameplay moments. Without further ado, may I present my KK:H retrospective.
1. Remember The Moment When Kim Paid Me An Amaze Compliment?
Shortly after I met Kim K., she said maybe the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I will never let it go.
2. Remember The Moment When I Wanted To Buy A Baby?
It was a brutal reality check: Unless I spend real-life money on the game, it'll be a long time before I have the K-stars the adoption agency requires.
Why would this be a fond memory? Because I learned something valuable about myself that day: I would rather spend kountless hours trying to kollect K-stars than break out my kredit kard. I am more patient than I ever realized.
3. Remember The Moment When I Met André Leon Talley?
4. Remember The Moment When Game Kim Went Blonde?
When real-life Kim went blonde, her avatar did the only thing she could do: she chopped off several inches of hair, doused her locks in peroxide, and looked nothing short of gorj.
5. Remember The Moment When I Met Jonathan Cheban?
And he didn't call me “a worker." I think Cheban likes me, you guys!
6. Remember The Moment When I Saw The KARDASHIAN Sign For The First Time?
Chills on chills on chills.
7. Remember The Moment When The Game Invoked The Name Of Todd Kraines?
8. Remember The Moment When Kim Dusted Off Her Legendary Met Gala Dress For Halloween?
*Puts on floral print elbow-length gloves.* *Stands up.* *Applauds.*
9. Remmeber The Moment When I Got Plastic Surgery But It Didn’t Change My Appearance?
Though the $2,000 procedure didn’t actually alter my avatar’s look, it did preserve my relationship with Chloe Taylor. Was it a scam? Please! If anything, it was an investment in a friendship. And friendship is priceless!
10. Remember The Moment When The Game Rewarded Our Patience?
When the game crashed for several hours one Friday evening, Kim K. had a choice: shrug off the glitch, or surprise every player with 15 shiny K stars. As Kim K. is wont to do, she chose wisely.
11. Remember The Moment When Perez Hilton & Willow Pape Shared The Screen?
What a dynamic duo.
12. Remember The Moment When Brandon Paid Me A Real Stinker Of A Compliment?
13. Remember Every Moment When Simon Orsik Let Me Know How His Bowels Were Doin’?
What a prince. What a hero. What a mortal among men.
Thanks for the memories, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. Kan't wait to see what the next two years bring.
Images: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood/Glu Mobile (10); @kimkardashian/Instagram (2)