I guess it's time to publicly admit it: I have never seen Labyrinth — until right now, that is. Watching the cult classic 1985 movie starring David Bowie has been on my list of films to watch since the legendary rocker died earlier this year. In honor of Bowie and the film's 30th anniversary, I figured I'd document watching Labyrinth for the first time. I don't know how or why this flick didn't sneak into my repertoire of childhood favorite movies, which included The Little Mermaid, Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird, and Pee Wee's Big Adventure — you know, all the '80s classics.
But somehow, Labyrinth and Bowie's infamous Jareth the Golbin King never enchanted me as a child, but now I'm giving them both a chance to make me a fan as an adult. Will a grown woman be able to resist Jareth's charms? Or will I become a new fan of the flick 30 years after it was first released to the world? Both are questions I hope I can answer after viewing the movie for the first time. Labyrinth also stars a pre-Oscar Jennifer Connelly, was directed by Muppet master Jim Henson, and Star Wars creator George Lucas executive produced the movie. I have high hopes for this.
Journey with me into Labyrinth for the very first time.
1. The Music Is So '80s Fantastic
I'm not even five minutes into this movie and I'm already entranced by this Bowie soundtrack filled with synth pop.
2. There Really Are Goblins
I know, I know. But seriously, it didn't dawn on me until now that the Goblin King was king of actual goblins who do his bidding and kidnap babies. And now I see where Henson's Muppet influence is clear.
3. It's Goblin King, No Big Deal
Bowie finally appears as the Goblin King and whiny teen Sarah (Connelly) isn't shocked or weirded out. She just knows he is the Goblin King. So is this a world where Goblins are well known to exist and steal babies upon the saying of a few choice words? This is totally fine and acceptable? OK then.
4. The Special Effects Are Great
For a movie from 1986, these special affects and muppet Goblins hold up pretty well. Even some of the green screen work is impressive.
5. "Magic Dance"
So this is the famous song I'm going to have stuck in my head forever more. Bowie looks like he's having a blast dancing with those Goblins.
6. David Bowie Is A Good Actor
I don't know why I didn't expect him to be a decent actor, but the singer is a total natural. Connelly went on to win an Oscar, but in Labyrinth, it's Bowie who steals the show. So far, all of the best scenes have Bowie in them.
7. It's Hard To Make Friends In The Labyrinth
Every time Sarah makes a friend, they either betray her or disappear.
8. What Is Going On?
I take back my good green screen comment. This whole inside out red bird creature scene has the craziest green screen ever.
9. The Bog Of Eternal Stench
Or as I like to think of it, the Land of Eternal Fart Jokes. How are they there for so long if it, as Ludo says, smells bad? Must be torture. The whole place is filled with a farting swamp. I would've found this hilarious as a kid — and I'm not ashamed to say this is pretty funny as an adult, too.
10. Ludo Is The Groot Of The '80s
2014 had Guardians of the Galaxy's taciturn, yet profound Groot. Labyrinth has lovable Ludo.
11. Meanwhile, Baby Toby & Jareth Bond
Toby seems like he's having a blast with David Bowie. Here's a solution: Let Jareth babysit instead of Sarah. Problems solved.
12. Jareth's Mysterious Glass Balls
OK, I'm more than halfway through the movie and I still have no idea what the purpose is of the glass balls Jareth fondles. I guess they turn into bubbles that take everyone to a fantasy sequence caused by a poison peach?
13. Jareth and Sarah's Romantic Dance
What is happening? Wasn't Jareth just trying to sabotage her maze running? They're dancing to a romantic Bowie song about falling in love, then sudden a bunch of masked people laugh at her, and the clock runs out. Soon, the fantasy sequence ends and Sarah wakes up on a pile of garbage.
I can't even.
14. The Fox Knight & The Dog
The image of Sir Didymus riding Amrosius is both something insane I want to forget immediately, yet also save in my memories forever.
15. And Now We're In Space?
Pretty sure that big climax scene takes place in outer space with a Vaseline filter.
And that's it. What a weird and bizarre muppets-riding-dogs journey this movie has been.
Images: Giphy (11)
