In my early 20s, I lived on my own for the first time for about a year and a half. It was a stroke of luck; a family friend was looking to illegally sublet their Manhattan one bedroom, and I pretended to be a family member. I paid only $600 a month for a huge one bedroom with a view of the whole city. It was ridiculous.
Unfortunately, I was also somewhat depressed and miserable at my job at the time, so I probably didn't enjoy living alone nearly as much as I should of. I did, however, like it — and I believe most people would benefit from living alone at least once in their lives. You get to know yourself on a level you didn't even realize you wanted to, but that's a good thing.
Now that I live with my partner, my time alone in my apartment is scant. But when he went out of town last weekend for a night, I was reminded of some of the glories of living alone when some strange behaviors quickly returned, like the weirdo friend I forgot I had. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one who's realized they're actually a crazy person from living alone, here are 25 weird things pretty much everyone does when they live by themselves.
1. Make Up Theme Songs
When I lived alone, I sang to myself all the time, whereas when I live with people, I barely ever even sing in the shower. See my classic swing hit, "I'm Sautéing Onions, Sizzle Sizzle," or the more somber ballad, "Laundry Time, Fancy Machine Takes Cards Not Dimes."
2. Talk To Themselves In Crazy Voices
When you live alone, you will start to talk to yourself. Period. You might think you're not weird like that, but you're wrong.
3. Laugh Out Loud To Themselves About Nothing
For whatever reason, when you live alone you find yourself especially hilarious.
4. At Some Point Eat An Entire Cake Or Pie Alone
During Hurricane Sandy, for example, I baked an entire pumpkin pie and hibernated until ate it all.
5. Masturbate Incessantly
When you live alone, there are no roommates to judge the jackhammer of your Magic Wand, nor your three-hour stamina. You might even do it in the shower, just because you can.
6. Wonder If Keeping A Laptop Directly On Their Naked Lap Will Harm Them
Is that just a guy thing or what? Can it damage my uterus?
7. Cook Naked & Get Splattered With Hot Oil
This can get dangerous at times, but since you're already naked, really, why bother?
8. Dance Like A Crazy Person Seducing Themselves
I still love to do this whenever I have the place to myself. You put on some Beyonce, and the only person who can judge you is yourself. There's just a layer of freedom that comes from knowing there isn't even anyone on the other side of that door.
9. Realize They Haven't Spoken To Anyone All Day
I think my record was the four days during Hurricane Sandy, but I definitely had other days where I realized I hadn't spoken to anyone — and happily so.
10. Go Into Full-On Depressed Hibernation
For depressive types, it can be easier to seclude yourself when you live alone. But either way, it's natural that this happens at some point, especially during the winter.
11. Temporarily Forget How To Interact With Humans
When you go a full day without talking to anyone, reentering the world can feel temporarily overwhelming. You go to the cashier and instead of saying "thank you" say "fine, thanks."
12. Deadbolt Their Door, Then Check It Again, Just In Case
What if you don't wake up when the robber comes in?! This is the only way to protect yourself!
13. Wonder How Long It Would Take Till They'd Be Found Dead
If that robber comes in and kills you, how long will it take for people to find your decomposing body?
14. Binge Watch An Entire Season Of TV In One Day
There's no one to judge you, not even the roommates who wonder why you've been in your room for 16 hours.
15. Fart Loudly And Shamelessly
Let it rip.
16. Poop With The Door Open
Why does it matter? The door is just a social construct, anyway.
17. Talk To Themselves In The Mirror
When you're feeling sh*tty, when you're psyching yourself up, when you're feeling awesome. Really, whenever.
18. Play Dress Up
You might do this with roommates too, but there's something about being able to test each outfit in the mirrors of every room that's extra appealing.
19. Stage Photoshoots
Photobooth is your best friend, because you need to find ways to entertain yourself when TV gets old.
20. Oversleep Because There's No One To Wake Them
I slept till noon on the regular because there wasn't a peep to wake me. And it was awesome.
21. Go On Weird Cleaning Spurts At 2 a.m.
Because there's nothing like cleaning your bathroom when you just got home from a party and you're buzzed.
22. Explore The Great Wide World Of Eating With Their Hands
No, but seriously though. You should try it sometime.
23. Take Showers That Are Shamefully Long
No judgement. Unless you live in a drought state.
24. Wonder If That Weird Creak Was A Murderer Or A Ghost
25. Become Convinced That This Is Definitely The Time They'll Have Left The Door Unlocked/The Stove On/Burned The House Down
Really, it's got to happen eventually, when you think about it.
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