In case you haven't seen the 1,000 headlines and tweets, Scarlett Johansson is pregnant with her first child. Take a second, let it sink in, then let's consider how awful things are going to get for her in the next 8ish months. We're not talking about swollen feet or the possibility that she might want to eat shrimp and Nutella at the same (which is totally acceptable, by the way), but that a celebrity pregnancy eventually leads to a paparazzi nightmare. If there's a conspiracy theory, fat-shaming moment, or privacy-invading photo to be had, the gross celebrity-stalking talking heads will find it. Or make it up.
Since we've recently been down this road with similarly huge stars like Kim Kardashian and Beyonce, almost anyone can predict a few of the pregnancy "specials" that women's magazines and gossip rags will concoct. The media coverage is so predictably terrible toward famous pregnant people, that we can predict exactly what sorts of awful the world will unleash on Scarlett's pregnancy. Here are a smattering of headlines that we will surely see (or have already seen) from ScarJo Pregnancygate. Just for the hell of it, we've divided them up into pre-baby and post-baby, because the media never stops.
Pre-Baby Pregnancy Headlines
"Scarlett Johansson Pregnant! Actress Expecting First Child With Fiancé Romain Dauriac"
We've started off easy, with an announcement by E! about Scarlett's pregnancy that actually contained facts. Oh, and it wasn't awful. Don't worry, this is where the reasoned, supportive media coverage ends.
Oh VH1, what happened to the days of music videos by decade and behind-the-music specials. This headline started out so innocent, then took a dark, objectifying turn. Why oh why do you feel the need to fetishize pregnant women's breasts.
"ScarJo has a Baby Bump!!!"
Luckily, Scarlett announced her pregnancy before any baby-bump speculation, but there will still inevitably be some piece explaining the size, shape, and placement of her "bump." Because that's clearly an acceptable way to discuss a pregnant woman's body.
"Did ScarJo Pull of this Dress/Peplum/Tracksuit/Pair of Maternity Pants?"
There will inevitably be a fat-shaming piece masquerading as a "style watch" in People or Us, about Scarlett's changing body and it's inability to "pull" something "off." Wouldn't it be just awful if Scarlett (or any pregnant star) wanted to be comfortable while incubating a future celebrity kid?
"ScarJo's Pregnancy Diet, Workout, Sleep, and Freakout Schedules"
Naturally, the "baby weight" talk will start soon after the "bump" is identified, even though a part of pregnancy is gaining enough weight to sustain yourself and a fetus. So, instead of promoting a positive image of body image in pregnancy, the media will launch a preemptive strike and ask Scarlett about her "baby weight workout" early.
Post-Baby Pregnancy Headlines
"EXCLUSIVE: FIRST PHOTOS OF BABY ______"
There is a strong chance that Scarlett will try to fend off the photo-vultures for as long as possible, but if other celebrities' children are any indication, they'll eventually find a way to snap a picture of baby [insert unusual celebrity baby name here]. Or ScarJo may be proactive and just sign away the rights to the photos of her first-born. Either way, these pictures will be intrusive, exploitative, and (I imagine) not fun for the kid to look up later in life.
"ScarJo and Fiance and Baby ____ Go On First Outing"
The firsts for a new baby are always exciting. And for this baby "first outing stalked by multiple paparazzi members" will be a milestone just as eventful as "first steps" or "first word." Sigh.
"How I Lost the Weight! ScarJo Magically Loses 40 Pounds in 3 Hours"
If Scarlett takes a stand against the baby weight fat-shaming, I will be the first to stand by her. If she caves to the pressure and goes on a crash diet, well, that's her choice, and Hollywood is absolutely terrible to anyone who doesn't look like a 21-year-old Barbie. The predictable weight loss pieces won't only be offensive to new moms who can't take 150 hours out of their schedule for billion-dollar private training, they'll also be boring.
So, congrats, ScarJo. Here's hoping your pregnancy is healthy and as headline-free as you want it to be.