I want to give Southern Charm a fair shot. I do. But it’d be nearly impossible for any show to take the time slot of Vanderpump Rules and fill those shoes sufficiently/immediately. My expectations are out of control. The hole Vanderpump Rules’ absence leaves in my heart is just too great. It's not you, Southern Charm. It's me.
I must remember that my love for Vanderpump Rules wasn’t instantaneous. I need to give Southern Charm a few weeks before I decide yay or nay. I didn't totes hate the show, but I didn't fall head-over-heels. "Be patient," I tell myself. "Give it time."
Southern Charm follows a group of old money adults who love to party. They all reside in Charleston, SC. The houses and scenery are really lovely, and the people are very wealthy.
Here are the main six Southern Charmers:
He is the former State Treasurer of SC. What happened? Why’d he leave office? Well, Thomas was forced to resign when he was indicted on federal cocaine distribution charges. He went to prison. Oh, boy.
He wants to get back into the political game, but he likes being a ladies’ man/making jokes about cocaine. He has a boatload of money. Enough money to spend $1 million on putting a polo field in his backyard. And by "backyard" I mean "acres upon acres of property."
His family is a huge deal (there’s a big-ass bridge named after his father).
Both the state dog of SC and the town of Boykin were named after Shep’s uncle's mother’s family. His family is “basically southern royalty.”
Shep is scared of horses and getting married.
Whitney lives with his mom, Patricia. Patricia is amazing. At one point, Whitney’s mom and the family’s personal chef go through a bag of clothes sitting in Whitney’s room. Whitney tells them the clothing belongs to a woman he hooked up with. Whitney's mom is not having it for a second. She's mad that the woman left "all of her crap.""I care because it's messy and disrespectful," she says as she rifles through the heap of clothes and makeup.
Let's be real, Patricia has the potential to be the true star of the show:
Craig is in law school and works at a firm. He likes working, but like, he haaaaates missing out on parties. The rest of his friends party all day every day. He works all day every day. But he's constantly late to work because he parties all night every night.
His supervisor reprimands him for being late to work on the reg, and Craig says, “I kind of feel bad if I don’t go [to parties] because everyone expects me to be there.”
Her family has been in SC for 10 generations. She gets her real estate license during the premiere. And may we not forget: She was on The Real World .
Cameran calls out Shep for not wanting to settle down, asks Thomas if he'd rather be with a Scarlett or a Melanie (a Gone With The Wind reference seems a little on the nose, but whatevs), and says she'd rather drink beer than the punch that "tastes like drunk."
I like Cameran.
She’s lived all over the world. She has a fun haircut. We didn't spend too much time with Jenna, but she seems like good people.
Quotes I wrote Down:
- Whitney: "I need a stabbin' cabin in town."Patricia: "A 'stabbin' cabin'? I that, like, gangster talk or something?"
- “Unless you are a professional athlete or a famous movie actor, I don’t want to hear about your job.”—Craig (I think. I’m still a little shaky with the cast’s names/faces.)
- “My intuition said no, but maybe my little had said yes. Because she was hot!”—Thomas re: his decision to sleep with Kathryn.
- “You jump off the horse and, like, do a cartwheel?”—Shep re: celebrating scoring a goal during a polo match.
- “He’s thinking double Ds, lactation, motor boating.”—Whitney re: Shep re: Jenna.
- “I didn’t have a problem with cocaine. I realized I just loved the smell of it."—Thomas
- "That's a joke."—Thomas upon realizing his joke about the smell of cocaine didn't land.
- “Fuck public perception.”—Thomas, right before quoting Hamlet.
So, is it Vanderpump Rules? No. But after watching that scene with Patricia and hearing Thomas shoehorn Macbeth — er—Hamlet into a heated conversation, I can't let go just yet.