John Oliver Read His Favorite YouTube Comments

Sorry, folks, John Oliver is not back yet. He's still on a short summer break, but that doesn't mean you have to wait until the next episode on July 24 to get the sarcastic, British humor you need. Last Week Tonight posted a YouTube-only update to keep you satisfied — and, ironically, it's filled with folks who are probably never contented... at least not by Mr. Oliver.

Entitled "Fan Mail Vol. 2," it's the second, now periodic, compilation of some of the greatest YouTube comments the show has ever seen — or, as Oliver called them, "the most cogent written argument for never learning how to read." (He may have a point, there. Even scientists argue that anonymous online commenters suffer from all sorts of issues.)

Before jumping into the thoughts of his online haters, though, Oliver acknowledged the clip is a web-only version and won't be aired like his normal episodes on HBO. "Here, I'm on YouTube, like I'm about to give the least anticipated makeup tutorial of all kind," he said. "I'm sorry, but now is not the time I share my patented contouring technique, which I call John-touring. It's about blending, it's about blends. It's about blending the makeup... is what I think it is about."

But regardless of Oliver's makeup job — or eyebrows, that's coming later — you'll find the thoughts of viewers truly mean yet hilarious. The comments, Oliver argues, are the 21st century version of fan mail. "Of course no one sent me actual mail, because I'm not currently fighting in the Revolutionary War — or as they call it where I'm from, the War of 'Well, we've still got Canada. We've still got Canada,'" Oliver said. Poor Brits.

Oliver broke down some of the best haterade since the last time he ventured into these waters:

One commenter said, "John Oliver looks like a mix of a Pokemon character and a child molester," which made me a little mad because there is already a mix between a Pokemon and a child molester and it's called Gengar. Look at that creep, look at that creep!

Another biter:

The most discouraging thing I saw, "At least you serve your corporate masters well, unfunny live-action Beaker," which was incredibly discouraging because... mainly because I was annoyed I hadn't thought of that one myself. I don't mind being insulted my commenters, but it really hurts when I'm out comedian-ed by them.

But not all of them were good insults, at least according to Oliver, who said these "badly missed the mark":

Someone wrote, "He's aged so much," which is just not an insult. It's merely an affirmation that I've continued to succeed at my number one life goal: not dying in a significant way. That's something I've been consistently good at since I was born.

The same goes for this one:

Another comment simply described our show as "uniquely boring," which again is not an insult. For something to be both unique and boring is a true feat. It's a phrase that I would reserve for something exceptional like a Ken Burns documentary about snails.

Which brings us back to the eyebrows. They're surprisingly contentious:

One viewer even wrote, "John Oliver has magnificent eyebrows," which I appreciated — and I'll tell you why — because no one has ever called my any part of my body magnificent. Ever! But then I got a little confused when I saw someone else had written, "John Oliver's eyebrows are alien caterpillars and move independently of each other." And then I thought that's OK, that's OK. That does still technically fall under the umbrella of magnificent.

But perhaps the most upsetting — at least for us fans — was the last one he shared. A viewer wrote, "John Oliver, I bet you $1 zillion that you won't feature this comment in a video." Well, Oliver totally did, calling the commenter out: "Touché, anonymous YouTube user, pay up! Pay up!" That means that Oliver will only be back July 24 if he can find a place to "dock [his] new yacht!" So fingers crossed there's space on the Manhattan waterfront!

Images: HBO (5)