This Fake Clinton Editorial Is Hilarious

by Cate Carrejo

This Monday through Thursday is Hillary Clinton Week, also known as the Democratic National Convention. The fiesta to crown Clinton as the party's nominee and finally end the seemingly eternal hellscape of the primary season kicked off Monday night in Philadelphia. Thousands of Democrats came together to celebrate the occasion, but not everyone was so thrilled to be supporting Clinton. The division that's been afflicting the party since Bernie Sanders came onto the scene has died down, but definitely has not been erased. The sustained conflict has made Clinton a little salty — at least, according to one writer's parody of her inner thoughts. A new Medium article answers the age-old question: "What is Hillary Clinton thinking?" And the answers are hilarious.

"What the f*** is your problem, America??" A strong opening sentence is the best way to hook an audience. And, always the orator, even Clinton's inner monologue bears in mind the conventions of public speaking. The article goes on to slam Clinton critics who don't seem to realize how lucky they are to have the most qualified candidate ever. (Pro tip: Try reading the next paragraph in Clinton's voice. You will not regret it.)

"I’m Hillary goddamn Clinton," rants her inner monologue. "I’m a political prodigy, have been since I was 16. I have an insane network of powerful friends. I’m willing to spend the next eight years catching shit on all sides, all so I can fix this fucking country for you. And all you little bitches need to do is get off your asses one goddamn day in November."

Although the majority of the article is spent in silliness, dissing Donald Trump, there's one pretty good point that the writer hits home: Clinton has a nearly unparalleled perseverance and will to serve the United States that probably isn't receiving enough credit during this election cycle. She has gotten intense, and often gender-motivated, criticism at every step of her political career, but it hasn't stopped her from climbing the ladder and ascending to her current position.

Along the way, Clinton has had some serious political victories, fighting for healthcare, women's rights, and LGBT equality. In the words of the eloquent author, "If I gave two shits about the haters I would’ve dropped the game decades ago."

If you're jonesing for more of Clinton's inner thoughts, you can follow the article's author on Twitter at @shitHRCcantsay. The account doesn't have many tweets yet, but there should be plenty to post about as the DNC goes on for the next three days. If you're still on the fence about Clinton, this article might actually be a helpful exercise in thinking from her perspective and seeing that she wants the best for the country (or at least, better than Donald Trump).