'Bachelorette' Home Visits Shed Light on Contestants' Special Quirks

Des sent Zak home tonight, which means just three men (Brooks, Drew, and Chris) are now vying for the Bachelorette's love and/or screen time. In three weeks' time a winner will be crowned from that bunch, America will rejoice or shrug its shoulders, and the whole beautiful reality lifecycle will begin anew with the next iteration of The Bachelor. Everything in its place. Ordered.

But what happens to the families we met tonight, three of whom won't even get the boring chance to have Des as their latest member? What are they supposed to do in a world absent ABC camera crews and the sweet catering/makeup tents that surely followed? Don't tell them they've got to move on, not when each one of them gave us the sort of TV-ready identification we crave.

Take Drew's family, for instance. We'd already heard way back in Barcelona all about Drew's father, Mal, and his struggles with alcohol. But come on, that's standard-issue troubled childhood stuff. What we couldn't have predicted* was the color scheme the whole clan would adopt (pink), the dating game they'd subject Des and Drew to (and we'd see over credits). And Mal's "angel" discussion with his potential daughter-in-law? GOLD. If the Precious Moments line achieved sentience, they'd be Drew's family. No real person or people says "I am overwhelmed by love right now," unless they're made of porcelain.

*I mean yeah, we could have predicted all of that. Plus the usual sexual ambiguity, here capped by the line "I don't think [my family] has ever seen me like this before!"

Brooks' family, ostensibly the most "normal" of the foursome, greeted Des with name tags and a lot of very sincere-looking hugs. How do you not fall for that sort of vibe immediately? Des and Brooks' mom seemed mutually smitten with each other, which considering Des' confident (and now frequent) declarations of love for the woman's son makes a lot of sense. Everyone, minus Brooks, is just very eager to dive in! Brooks and his bros, meanwhile, opted for a real bro conversation outside. "Can you see yourself making her happy for the rest of your life?" asked one guy with utter sincerity. Brooks, failing to note that no guy speaks like this, said "sure" and moved back into aloof mode.

Zak. Zak, Zak, Zak. You were too enthusiastic and peppy to win! Draw a direct line from that shirtless limo arrival, recounted to your embarrassed family, to the scrapbook (which Des is now just flagrantly copying for the guys she likes better!), and finally the promise ring you bought in Atlantic City and are now offering Des as a…pretend engagement ring? LOL? It's just a lot, dude, and even your singalong-happy siblings seem to want you to slow down. Mom's a hoot, getting Des to herself almost immediately to give her a good once-over. And the snow cone business is a nice, New Girl-quirky touch.

Way up in Oregon lived Chris' family, led by a chiropractor dad and a mom none-too-liberal with her assessment of possible daughters-in-law. If you want hands-on from your adopted Bachelorette family, this is the one for you! After dad literally straightened out Des' back in his downstairs office, mom took her outside for some Real Talk. "You know he was hurt, right?" kicked things off, with a quick jump into "so how do you think things will work in the real world?" just after. Not unreasonable questions to ask (certainly preferable to all of Drew's dad's angel talk) but, you know, buy the girl a drink first. Even if you've got to cheer it with the worst Irish saying about love.

Overall? For whatever weird issues brought to the table by remaining cast members, each of their families gets a gold star in my book. Would visit again!