Trailer for 'Bad Johnson' Looks So Bad that There Are No Words for How Bad — VIDEO

I just. I can't. I mean. No. What? How? Hang on. Ummm. Just. Wut. The Earth. A platypus in slippers. Hangnails suck. Happy birthday! Sorry. That was my utter horror and confusion over the trailer for the upcoming film Bad Johnson . Here's the scoop Cam Gigandet plays a womanizer/sexist/dirtbag named Rich Johnson (Get it? DICK DICK. BOTH OF HIS NAMES ARE PENIS REFERENCES) whose life gets complicated due to all of the amazing/meaningless/shallow sex he's having with his big, magical penis. So one night before falling asleep after assuredly sending home his last "conquest" in some scumbag way, he sighs and wishes his penis would leave his body.

And guess what? IT DOES! He wakes up the next morning to find that his member is now dismembered. According to his gym pal it "looks like an Asian man's armpit." Don't worry that's not the only racist thing that happens in the trailer, keep your eyes peeled (or don't) for other nuggets of awful.

And it actually gets worse. His penis returns as a person! That's right. His penis is a long-haired and scruffy jerk who is trying to ruin his life (lulZ metaphorz). Then there's some sort of weird ritual or something mystical that has to happen for his penis to go back to being a penis on his body. Yick. And I bet you didn't see this coming... without his penis, our main man actually FALLS IN LOVE and is like "OMG women are worth talking to and not just sex things that have mouths."

It's really terrible and I'm sorry if this clip ruins your weekend. Just take solace in knowing this will sweep the 2014 Razzies like it's no one's business (and it shouldn't be in anyone's business because it looks that horrendous).