Beware, fellow New Yorkers: It's a shark-eat-shark world out there, and there's a Sharknado headed our way. Sharknado 2 has been given the thumbs up by SyFy, and, this time, the weather event is headed to the Great White (ha) Way. But, luckily for you, we have consulted the world's leading Sharknado specialists and they shared some survival tips to keep in mind when the 'nado hits. Once upon a time you worried about dying by falling onto the subway tracks, but now it's time to worry about get chomped down on during your daily commute (or getting catfished by a Sharknado on OKCupid). Be careful everyone — the Sharknado is coming and, like a messenger bike, it stops for no one.
1) Publicize Fashion Avenue
New York City's models might look delicious, but you can bet your sweet shark that no self-respecting carnivorous fish would ever settle for a model when they could eat a normal-sized person. Our experts say that if we brought in enough models, the sharks would think New York was full of toothpicks instead of people, and that Sharknado would just blow on by, in search of a more succulent city. That or they'd all starve to death. Models don't deliver much nutritional content.
2) Distribute Guns
Our need for gun control legislation be damned — just this once, NEW YORKERS NEED BRASS. How else are we supposed to shoot incoming sharks in the face? How are we going to save our babymamas when a shark lands in their pool and tried to eat them? Also, may I be the first to suggest that Chelsea Piers install a shooting range pronto so that we can all practice our aim while eating mozzarella sticks?
3) Check Your Building Codes
Hey, in Japan, buildings are made to sway in case a tsunami or earthquake hits. Maybe Bloomberg spent some of his billions implementing shark-proofing for all of us in Zone A. (If only we still had those big gulps to catch and trap the Sharknados.)
4) Invest in a Chainsaw
Because you never know when you'll have to cut yourself and your unconscious, but undigested, friend out of a sharks' stomach. It's just better to be prepared.
5) Hide Inside and Watch Finding Nemo While Weeping
Please, god, let these Sharknados all be like Bruce. People are friends, not food!