For many people, the goal is to find a person they want to spend the rest of their life with. However, it's not so easy figuring out if your current partner is actually your lifelong companion. If you're feeling uncertain, it can help to know some ways to tell if someone is your soulmate instead of someone you have just gotten used to or have become comfortable spending time with. There's no easy test to determine this for you, as everyone's situation is different, but there are certain factors you can pay attention to that will help you figure out if you're committing yourself to the right person. One important aspect of determining the strength of your relationship is paying attention to how it feels to be in the actual relationship, rather than looking for a romantic story.
"I find that expectations of romance and 'instant' relationships are very high in both men and women who come to see me, and so is the frustration level when this doesn't happen," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together in an intervew. "Internet dating, coupled with movie and TV images of instant love at first sight' create expectations that prohibit people from getting to know anything about the character of the person they're dating, and don't give the couples a chance to develop what I call the "infrastructure" of a long-lasting relationship."
To help you figure out if your partner is someone you could see yourself spending your whole life with, consider these eight ways to tell if someone is your soulmate — if you even believe in them in the first place!
1. You Have Similar Values
If you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person, you want to make sure you're on the same page when it comes to important life issues. "You'll want shared values, ethics, and a moral compass regarding family, children,money, religion, love, and the way you both treat people," says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, over email.
2. You Connect, Even During Conflict
Conflict in any relationship is normal, but it's being able to work through that conflict and still feel positively about your partner that matters. "Knowing that someone is your soulmate is about feeling connection on the deepest level in both good times and difficult ones," says Rhonda Milrad, founder of Relationup, the first live relationship app, over email. "You can be fighting and struggling to compromise, yet no matter how challenging it is, you still feel that you can and want to build a life with this person."
3. You Experience Personal Growth With Them
When you're strictly comfortable with someone, you're likely not experiencing many important changes, whether it be in your beliefs or how you behave. "A soulmate is someone who in meeting them forces our consciousness to evolve and this inspires personal growth," says Psychotherapist Dr. Nadine Macaluso over email."
4. They're Emotionally Mature
"While it’s fun and charming to be able to be childlike when in a playful mood, it’s essential to be an adult whenever necessary," says Tessina. "Someone who is responsible, self-regulating, emotionally responsive, motivated, and in control of his or her impulses, is capable of being a supportive, fully participating partner, no matter what joys and sorrows, successes and failures you may face in the course of a lifetime."
5. You Can Communicate Without Speaking
When you've connected with someone so deeply, you can pick up on their nonverbal signals to tell how they feel. "Your soulmate is someone who understands you beyond what you say and do — and vice versa," says relationship expert April Masini over email. "It’s almost as if you don’t need to speak because you communicate with this person on levels beyond typical communication."
6. You're Willing To Give
"Typically people do not go into a relationship thinking about what they can do for others," says Dr. Jenn Mann, host and psychotherapist from VH1’s Couples Therapy, over email. "All too often we go into a relationship thinking about the love we will receive, the validation we will get, and how good it will feel. To have a soulmate relationship, you must be able to give, not just receive."
7. You Just Know
"There is something that rings true about the proverb, 'You know when you know,'" says Milrad. "Interview enough couples and they will confirm that they were able to tell that their partner was their soulmate. They experienced a novel feeling emotionally or in their gut or heard an inner voice that confirmed why their partner was special to them."
There are many ways to determine if someone is right for you, but most experts agree that how you feel about the relationship over time is the greatest indicator of whether or not you're meant to be together.
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