On last night's premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, we got our first look at the glorious spawn of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. And lo and behold: It's a girl. There is a veritable bounty of XX chromosomes in the Kardashian clan, so baby Kimye will have lots of aunts to learn from. But her best lessons will come from television, where she can learn from the highly publicized mistakes of the Kardashian women.
Lesson 1: Sex tapes: Don't do them.
Really, this is the most obvious takeaway here. Mama Kim may have been able to market herself out of that scandal, but her career will always live under the shadow of the sex tape. Hopefully baby Kimye will know not to get herself into a similar scrape, but if she does, Grandma Kris will surely know how to put a good spin on it.
Lesson 2: Don't get married just to be married.
Another lesson courtesy of mom. Kim's marriage to Kris Humphries was less like a relationship and more like Kim's third-life crisis because she wasn't married yet. A word of advice to baby Kimye: Don't have a marriage so short that it becomes a punchline. And airing the wedding as an overstuffed, extravagant television special will only make the jokes sting worse. Which brings us to...
Lesson 3: Some things should be kept private.
Baby Kimye's entire family has cashed in on making their personal lives public, but that doesn't mean it was always a good idea (see above). Other things baby Kimye might not want to televise when she (unavoidably) gets her own reality show:
- having a contest with her sister to see whose vagina smells better
- buying sex toys for her husband
- getting plastic surgery
- trying to get pregnant
Yeah, baby Kimye comes from a family of over-sharers, to say the least.
Lesson 4: Have some personality.
Bland Kim, ice queen Kourtney and too-boring-to-have-their-own-plotlines Kendall and Kylie are more famous for their personal lives than their personas. Maybe aunt Khloe will teach baby Kimye to help her spice up the Kardashian brand.
Lesson 5: Find out what you're good at and pursue the hell out of it.
America's biggest gripe with the Kardashians was always how they were "famous for being famous." And while all the Kardashians have worked hard and become successful, they're stuck in professions cashing in on their looks — modeling, selling clothes and perfume, television hosting — instead of their brains. It would be too great to hope that baby Kimye will take after dad and become the next big female rapper, but at least she could learn how to do something a little more useful.
Lesson 6: If you ever meet someone who looks like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, do not have children with this person.
Scott Disick has matured over the years into a better father and boyfriend to Kourtney, but...really. This should be a basic human instinct. This is not a decision you will want to gamble with, baby Kimye.
Lesson 7: Look however you want to look.
There are far too many episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that center around weight loss, body image, or what the Kardashian sisters are wearing. Whether it's letting your boyfriend influence your wardrobe or starving yourself for a photoshoot, the Kardashian sisters can get very image-obsessed. If baby Kimye can survive the pressure of being scrutinized in the public eye, hopefully she'll learn that people are more comfortable with you when you're comfortable with yourself.
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