A Hipster Diet For Your Face

We've been so over hipsters for a while now, right? And yet inside each of us, a latent hipster lurks. He rears his mustached head every time you forget to buy kale. She gives you the side-eye when you opt for the gluten-privileged pasta and listen to top 40 radio. But how are we supposed to really grow up if we keep catering to their shallow means of consumption? If you find yourself with a refrigerator full of hipster food that's rapidly nearing its expiration date, here's some good news: those hipster staples can easily have a second life as DIY beauty products. All you have to do is apply them with a thick slathering of ennui while telling your friends you don't really care about surface-level looks anymore.

1. Pabst Blue Ribbon

Those who are in the know, beer-hair-rinse-wise, claim that the proteins in beer add extra volume to limp locks. You know you have 5.5 PBRs languishing in your fridge; just let one of them go flat, then pour over hair post-shampooing, work it in, then rinse.

2. Jameson

If you're feeling too under the weather to hit up your favorite bar on $5 pizza + Jameson shot Wednesdays, pour some of that beloved nectar into a glass with a little honey and warm water, then gargle with it. The mix will help soothe and numb a sore throat.

3. Tofu

You tried to go vegetarian in January but didn't last long, remember? Well, you've still got that tofu in the back of the fridge, and if it hasn't gone bad yet, here's some news: tofu face masks are a thing available for purchase. They claim to soften and brighten skin. If you're feeling lazy and broke (both key hipster traits, of course) you could try smooshing some tofu (with honey and yogurt, perhaps?) on your face yourself.

4. Ironic 1950s Jello Salad

1950s comfort foods are so hip these days. You've got artisanal hot dogs in your mac and cheese, and now you can put jello in your hair, more or less. The gelatin in jello can be used for a DIY hair strengthening mask — here's an easy recipe.

5. Shade-grown coffee

Caffeine helps temporarily reduce the appearance of cellulite. Caffeine from shade-grown coffee beans helps temporarily reduce cellulite and consumerist guilt. Mix coffee grounds with coconut oil and brown sugar and keep the scrub in your outdoor shower; you know, the one with the dreamcatcher hanging from a nearby branch.