"Don't you fart on me," pleaded Mama early in the season premiere to one of her daughters, who'd thrown herself onto Mama with what looked like serious intent to fart. "I don't need it." Whatever non-Boo Boo daughter was on top there considered her mother's request for a moment…then let loose, totally farting on Mama. "Oh, I should've known better!" Mama wailed. That's pretty much the last hour of my life: knowing exactly what I was in for, and then having it farted in my face.
Welcome back, Honey Boo Boo!
"Reviewing" an episode of this show is sort of a fool's errand, right? Shit just happens, sometimes literally, in a world no one reading this has ever been to, or will ever actually understand. (There's a reason there are subtitles!) Episodes are broken into segments like Jackass stunts, tied together by plot lines like "the girls' phones are taken away" and "butter." This isn't real life we're watching, just a hillbilly funhouse mirror coated in hog fat and the tears of our Founding Fathers.
"Mo' Butter, Mo' Better" and "Turn This Big Mama On" saw the family enjoy a range of wacky activities, from collecting and gutting some fresh roadkill to lathering themselves in butter and oil for a redneck Slip-n-Slide. But the one that stands out most tonight, even with that sort of terrifying competition, would have to be Honey Boo Boo's trip to the wrestling match.
Now Sugar Bear, you know (you don't!), regularly works security for the local wrestling federation. That means backstage access for Mama and the girls, all of whom looooooooove wrestling. And guess who loves it more than any 7-year-old in the country, pageant-level or otherwise?
In her spare time, Honey Boo Boo had perfected a move she calls the "cup-a-fart," which she succinctly explains is simply "farting in your hand before throwing it in an enemy's face." Diamondcutters? Triple Suplexes? A lot of unnecessary effort when you can just ruin your opponent's morning with the after-effects of your latest meal. Backstage, Honey Boo Book demonstrated the move to a roomful of wrestlers. Later, one of the wrestlers even took the move to heart, using it against an opponent to great effect. "Cup-a-fart, cup-a-fart!" the whole stadium cheered.
Well offscreen, a bunch of educators committed hari kari. "There's just no point," is apparently the last thing they all said.