Are you ready to feel old? Twenty-five years ago Disney released a little movie called Beauty and the Beast . For years to come, little girls everywhere would dress up as Belle in her iconic yellow dress, dream of finding the perfect prince and fall in love with that small provincial town... or maybe that was just me. Many of us know the music by heart and most of us are counting down the days until Emma Watson turns our favorite cartoon into reality, kind of. Since seeing the movie in theaters 25 years ago, I cannot even begin to guess how many times I’ve seen it since. It’s a classic movie to watch that will always put you in a good mood.
Unfortunately, I’m here to remind you that literally none of it makes sense. Watching it as a child, I never realized just how many confusing elements the story holds. As an adult, there are so many questions that I just need answers to. I can only hope the new live-action version provides some type of clarity and fixes the things that just don’t work. For now though, let’s go back and talk about all the nonsensical moments that happen within those magical 84 minutes.
Happy anniversary, Belle.
1. How Old Is The Prince?
In the beginning of the movie it says that the magic rose would bloom until his 21st year and then Lumiere says they've been rusting for 10 years. So that would mean the Prince was 11-years-old when he turned the beggar lady away. I'm pretty confident most 11-year-olds would never let a homeless stranger stay the night with them when their parents are out of town. I’m 27 and if that lady showed up to my apartment in New York, I probably wouldn’t let her in either. Sorry, not sorry.
Another theory is that time stood still during that time, which would explain the portrait of the prince, but it doesn't make sense with the 10 years quote. If time stood still, they would have 11 more years before the flower completely wilted.
It's a mystery that may never be solved.
2. Why Was The Enchantress Testing The Prince In The First Place?
It's never really answered why the enchantress was dressed up as a beggar in the first place. Maybe she knew he was a jerk before she popped by? I'm pretty sure if she showed up in her natural form, he would have let her right in. There seemed no reason to pretend to be homeless.
3. Where Are His Parents?
If he was 11-years-old, where the hell were his parents while creepy strangers were stopping by the castle? If they weren't home at the time, you'd think they would check up on their son over a 10 year period. To add to that, if there's one enchantress, there's probably more. Someone could have called for a spell reversal.
4. What Kind Of Prince Opens His Own Door?
You have literally hundreds of employees, what are you doing answering the door on a rainy night, kid?
5. What Happens If You Touch The Rose?
Seriously though? He's like, "Do you know what you could have done?" No, she doesn't! And neither do we! Would the spell automatically be permanent? What would actually happen?!
6. Why Did The Actual Castle Become Ugly?
Why did the spell turn those cherub babies into creepy gargoyles? Unless it was trying to ward off visitors, it seems a bit dramatic.
7. Why Is Belle "Strange" Because She Can Read?
God forbid a girl uses her brain! Why is she weird for using the library? You all have access to it too.
8. Why Can’t Gaston Read?
No really though, why can't the richest dude in town read a book without pictures?
9. Why Does She Ruin Laundry Time For This Lady?
I'd be pissed too if a random girl was singing to a bunch of sheep while I was trying to clean my clothes.
10. How Does No One See How Aggressive Gaston Is?
Really? No one in town has a problem with him harassing her?
11. What Happened To Belle’s Mom?
Maybe she passed away, but I need some context.
12. Why Isn't The Castle On Maurice’s Map?
He has a map that takes him somewhat near the castle, and it seems like a super old castle, so why isn’t it on there? The map has to have been made after the castle was built. It makes no sense.
13. Why Doesn’t Anyone Know About The Castle?
A cursed castle is within walking distance of a town and nobody knows about it? That seems pretty impossible. Most of the townspeople were alive 10 years before when the castle employees were all human and probably visiting the local village. Everyone would know about a prince living in their midst.
14. Why Doesn’t Lumiere Melt?
He’s a constantly burning candle. Why does he melt when LeFou puts a flame up to him, but not when he's regularly on fire?
15. Why Can Some Of The Objects Talk And Others Can’t?
Like the knives! How awful would it be to get turned into a knife with no mouth? Or a Fork?
16. Why Didn’t They Try Harder To Get A Girl To The Castle?
As Chip clearly showed us, they can leave the castle! They could have at least tried to get women over there and break the spell.
17. How Do You Get A Book From The Top Shelf?
That is the most terrifying latter climb of all time.
18. Does Gaston Live At The Bar?
Why are all of Gaston’s animal heads, his enormous chair and a portrait of himself at the local pub? Shouldn't those things be in his house? Too many questions about that whole scene at the bar. For instance, why is LeFou friends with someone who casually punches him in the face? And why does he eat raw eggs with the shell still on them?
19. In What World Does Gaston Think His Plan Would Work?
Who resorts to blackmail before asking someone to dinner?
20. How Does Chip Exist?
Chip is an anomaly. How does he even exist? There’s no way he’s 10 years old, so how could he have been around when the enchantress put the spell on them? If they were frozen at the age they were at the time of the spell, wouldn’t his brain be that of a late-teenager? Chip literally makes no sense and while he’s fun, he probably shouldn't exist.
21. How Many Kids Does Mrs. Potts Have?
“Get in the cupboard with your brothers and sisters.” There’s a lot of freaking tea cups in there! How many kids does this lady have and who is their father? Was she just popping them out at the castle before the spell? Also you guys, Mrs. Potts is old AF. Too old to have a child the age of Chip, that's for damn sure.
22. Why Couldn’t She Just Stay Out Of The West Wing?
You know what I hate? People who don’t listen to literally one rule. You had one job Belle, and it was don’t go in the West Wing. How hard is that? When a scary monster tells you to stay away, just listen. You read enough books not to be that stupid.
23. How Does Belle Put The Beast On The Horse?
Can’t ward off some wolves, but can lift the Beast onto a horse. Right.
24. So This Whole Movie Takes Place In Four Days?
How I wish I could stumble across a magic castle, fall in love and marry a prince in the span of four days. Makes imprisonment seem so much more appealing than Tinder.
- Day 1: Belle sings about poor people and Maurice heads to the fair, gets lost, ends up at the castle and in prison.
- Day 2: Gaston plans a super awkward wedding, Belle rushes to find her father, gives up her freedom, random dishes perform the longest song of all time (“Be Our Guest”), Belle gets a tour of the castle, s—t gets real in the West Wing, she runs away, the beast saves her and Gaston sings a song about how awesome he is.
- Day 3: The awesome library scene.
- Day 4: Literally the rest of the movie. The rundown is basically feeding birds, eating a fancy dinner, saving her dad, an entire battle at the castle and breaking the spell.
Yeah, this really makes no sense.
25. What Season Does This Movie Actually Take Place In?
When she’s singing and twirling around talking about adventures and all that nonsense, it’s a nice fall day. Then Felipe comes and she rushes to the castle, makes the deal and it’s straight up winter that night. When she runs away that same night, Felipe crosses a river that has literally been frozen. There’s no possible way that happened within a few hours. Then later as they march toward the castle in the rain, which by the way, is the same night Belle and Beast were outside without coats, there’s no snow on the ground. Finally, when the spell is broken it’s straight up summer.
26. Why Couldn’t Maurice Get To The Castle Before Collapsing?
Keep in mind that Maurice set out to save Belle on day two and she doesn’t see him in the mirror until day four. The entire town walks there in about 30 minutes, chopping down trees along the way, and he can’t do it in two whole days? I mean, I get there was a blizzard, but that’s pretty lame Maurice. Also wear long sleeves, maybe?
27. Whose Clothes Is Belle Wearing?
Clearly a woman lived there at some point. You don’t just have ball gowns and awesome dresses laying around. Do they belong to the Prince’s mom? Was there a woman there at some point in the last 10 years?
28. How Does The Castle Get Food?
Okay, which household appliance is making midnight runs and stealing food from the village?
29. How Does Gaston Know How To Get To The Castle?
BECAUSE CLEARLY IT’S NOT ON THE EFFING MAP!
30. Why Does It Take Belle A Minute To Recognize Beast As A Human?
Okay, he was literally lifted into the air and transformed in front of your face, girl. Come on, what do you mean, “It is you!” Duh! For someone who talked to objects for four days, the curse should not come as this big of a shock for you.
31. Why Does Gaston Use A Bow & Arrow?
He has a gun, which as demonstrated in the bar can shoot multiple rounds without reloading. What are you doing bringing a bow & arrow to a gun fight? Get your life right, Gaston.
32. Why Do They Call Him Beast?
Um, hello, he’s got a name. Why would he be like, “Hey, I’m the beast,” and not, “Hey, I’m Prince blah blah”?
33. Where Do These People Actually Live?
I know they’re supposed to be in France, but Lumiere and the feather duster are pretty much the only actual French people in the movie. Belle is straight up American, as well as the beast, her father and Gaston. Even LeFou has an American accent, which is just ridiculous.
34. Did They Have To Refurnish The Castle?
What happened to all the furniture when the workers were changed into inanimate objects? When they changed back did they have to refurnish the place?
35. What The Hell Is This?
No really, what the hell is this?
Images: Disney/Screenshots (18); Giphy (17)